Cathe B Is A Stand-Up

commenting on chemicals of comedy

2009-11-12T20:01:00.000-08:00

There was a very cool long post here.. about the differences of comic timing that is based on food, liquids, and any substance we put in our bodies before a show that will directly relate to our memories, timing, and even energy.

Water- No affect on timing, probably helps memory, definitely helps you pee faster, or sooner, and then... keeps you hydrated so you sweat like meatloaf. And if you are biting it on stage, you can always say, "gee I forgot to hit the head" which is also a funny line and truth.

Milk, Juice, or other benign beverage, (not soda)- Okay, you're putting some sort of incremental mineral, or vitamin in your system which may or may not affect your synapses. You may feel fuller, and sated. Digestion will put your body in a restful state, unless your lactose intolerant, then the IBS fairy lands squarely upon you and you'll be squeezing that charmin in no time. You'll add liquids which keep you quenched, but you may find that some of these have sugars that slow down your response time. Sugar is great in chocolate, and bad in comedy. Unless it's pie. Then it's great.

Coffee, Tea, and Me. I mean, Yeah, you know what I'm saying. Coffee is a natural way of dehydrating you. If you've been hard pressed to use the lavatory, wolf down at least 6 ounces of coffee or tea, which stimulates the prostate in men and the bowel in women. It's nature's Drano. It also takes all the spongy cells filled with body-helping water and makes them like grapes turning to raisins. More caffeiene, more inner rainsins. If you have something salty with that caffeine, your body not only decides to squish those cells into pressed raisins, but then with salt, the water that manages to set out of those cells is now running in and out of veins and muscles. So you get bloated. Coffee- dehydrates you and makes you swell. Lovely. Bad for the blood pressure, bad for the stress of your heart, and really bad for trying to fit a ring onto your hand.

Thin women tell me- I'm going to hit the gym right before working out so I'll be skinnier on stage. They're not really understanding the chemicals of muscle. When we work out, our muscles absorb as much water from our system as they can so they can heal better, and quicker. As a result, there is a bit of swelling, and they tend to weigh MORE after a work out than they do at any other time. If you want to look thinner after a work out- then hit the gym a full day before you're needed on stage. Otherwise, wear baggy clothes.

Beer on stage- everyone drinks beer on stage, right? That does wonders for comic timing and great audience interaction. Well, not really. What it does is puts you in a state of not clearly knowing what your words are, and when they have arrived to teh mic. It also makes it look like you're afraid of the audience. Very few people pull off drinking on stage as something cool, or part of the act. One person, Steve Seagren, aka CopScotch, has alcoholism as part of his act, so having the prop of the liquid works very well for him. A friend puts tap water in a beer bottle when he does shows in front of college kids- it makes him look like "one of them" but then he is very sober and his act is just filled with great timing.

Drinking as habit, drugs before a show. You may think you have it covered, and that no one can tell the difference but I can list at least 80 comics from about 300 that are not rehired for gigs because of this. It starts with a "can I bring a beer on stage?" and the whole act is completed, as written, without much ado. Then they'll have a beer before the act, the one during. Then two before, two during and one after. Then the progression goes crazy and it seems to start the Wednesday before, and end six weeks into the future. People who use this as their way to perform don't have very long careers. They offer to do gigs for free-- and people know they get what they paid for. The bad part is, generally there is a measure of good comedy in these guys- but they don't have enough confidence.

The best chemicals you can put into your show- endorphins and adrenaline. Laughter kicks in both for me.. and excitement begets excitement. Keeping your ears alert, and pushing for material that spawns better laughs, always works to bring out the chemicals of laughter and comedy.

The NASTY Biz of Show

2009-11-01T08:11:00.000-08:00

I left Los Angeles and the comedy scene there after years of trying to figure out why that people who had talent were overlooked more and more for people who would rather sell your baby, steal your car, and ensure your future love life was ruined by STD's. (other than babies)I figured out like most do that people who are screwing over others are likely to get what they want because they are screwing people over. No one likes that unless they are involved with the person in a really kinky way.

There were rare exceptions. If you ever see K-Von, you'd see a kid who shows up at every single open mike possible, and gets to all his gigs on time or early. He's not the funniest guy ever, but he does write his own material, and his delivery is on target. He is an example of great marketing, and smart booking. He is now touring with Jamie Kennedy and I see his future as upwards. Same with Martin Moreno. He started as an open miker, did all the rooms he could even starting his own shows. He still runs open mic rooms, and opens for his friend Gabriel Inglesias. It's a great story, and it should be.

But, then there are 50 or 60 people for every K-Von and Martin who are just snakes, out for their own gain, and couldn't care less who was harmed on their way up to whatever it is they consider "fame and fortune". There was a woman I worked with on many occasions, giving her gigs that paid great, and inviting her to work with me at other gigs that were not paying well, but had potential for a lot of future work. She was okay funny- not outstanding- doing a lot of "boyfriend" material that many women do, (just as many men do married men stuff). But she didn't do comedy because she liked making people laugh and feel great- she did comedy because she "Wanted a TV show". That kind of bothered me.

There's an ulterior motive in many of those on stages, and it's the idea that fame is more important than the audience. They sound like they're reading scripted monologues, don't interact with the audience and worse- they consistently lie about their experience, and skill level, getting jobs that should go to those who really have the chops and stage time. They'll join in conversations just to hear about some gig where an agent may be- and then manipulate stage time sometimes bumping those who the gig is really geared towards. This woman proved to be exactly this type of "comic", and when I clued into her game, I was happy to drop her off my list of folks I'd support, or assist.

Los Angeles is filled with these types of performers. They will show up and shmooze, but only talk to people with whom they assume they'll get work from. Sadly, the people who hire like to be sucked up to, and many of them buy into the constant faux praise, and unending "I" conversations. The thing is, it's not just Los Angeles. It seems that small fish in smaller ponds play that, and just as much creep out those of us who work hard to be funny for the right reasons. They're a nightmare for other performers because they attempt to represent those of us who aren't trying to be anything but funny and audience friendly. Comedy should take the pain of life away, not create more of it.

In Vegas, it isn't much different. The pond is pretty small, and the guppies are plenty. There are a few gold fish, who work pretty hard to put on great shows and do so without the drama and antics of those who just want to manipulate casinos into hiring them whether they have the skills or talent to put on a great show or not. Then their are the leeches. Leeches are what ruin show business for those of us who just want to do a great thing for the audience- and nothing more.

Cris Angel is a great example of a monster leech. He came to town, under the guise of 'helping out' local acts, and bringing something new to the stages. But he's done a lot of damage, making people less interested in seeing the kind of show he claims he wants to do. There's another comedian who has had his own showroom in at least six hotels that I can think of, hires new comics to open for him, then uses their material after he moves on to the next hotel or new opener. He's done this for 20 years, and no one except club owners seem to want to know him. He brings in a lot of crowds, but mostly, they're just there for a cheap show, and free drinks. He doesn't know that, but the rest of the city does.

One of the Angel Fish is Cashetta. (Cashetta.com) Cashetta came to town and within a few short months landed a great gig in a great room- and shared her luck by putting together a show that allows other local performers to unwind and give a great act- in the After The Show program. *11pm Monday Nights, Harmon Theater, and yes I play there.* Short Bus Comics (shortbuscomics.com) is another show that does a lot for local acts. There isn't pay yet in this, but the word is out that the acts are better quality than many of the expensive shows in town and that it's nurturing to its performers. (Saturday nights, Greek Isles, 8 and 10 pm).

But there are leeches who attempt to break into these shows, and do nothing but talk about themselves, lie about their credentials, waste the audience time with really awful, hack, dried up material- and then bad mouth those very shows that offered them time in the first place. There are four or so really terrible open mic guys who basically can't tell a joke to save their lives, and they go to every open mic known- just causing cesspool like stench when they are up there. These same people are given shots at the other shows- and then when they tank- they spend time on Craigslist, or using Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace dissing the very show that had they only worked enough to be good- could have nurtured their careers.

The most recent incident I can think of- there is a guy who is claiming to be an "actor and comedian" because he attended an adult ed. acting class, and showed up at some open mics. He started to come to a show in town fairly regularly, then proceeded to say he was a member of the group he was hanging out with. Not a big deal as the producer gave him coaching on his performance, and he at least pretended to take the direction. No sooner had he made one show, he took over the NAME of the production and then booked himself in another venue- claiming he was a member of that company. So the posters and promos were about that title. The show tanked, and people left it thinking, "Why would I see X, when this is such a bad show?" He kept doing it until someone in the production company caught on and let the producer know.

Then, when he realized he wasn't going to ever be part of the regular show, he started posting things on line about the rest of the company and started pimping up this other room he started up on his own. The problem was, he hired some of the worst acts, and still used the production company's name. If that wasn't bad enough, he would send emails to all the cast, letting them know of when HE was running HIS show, and selling it as a Networking opportunity. He borrowed the mailing list of the company- and then had balls to tell people that the show HE was running was the same night as the original company's show. So people got very confused, went to his event, and left, PISSED that they saw crap, had to pay for it, and oh yeah. where were the regulars from the company he took the name of? Oh yeah- they were performing at their weekly gig.

This town is REALLY small. It's Las Vegas- Sin City, but it's also made of four primary communities- Henderson, Summerlin, North Las Vegas, and "Strip". If you work with someone in one,you learn about those opportunities, and the town gets VERY small VERY fast. I think I've worked with nearly every other headliner at one point or another, had six stages to play on strip and off, and oh yeah, after 27 years of doing comedy- I kind of know a lot of the names of those who also did road gigs. There are some comedy clubs that opened and claimed they'd be a place for pros who locally worked here, but when the pros figured it was just a scam they re-focused their attention on open mic people, and started classes- getting more money from people than they did in ticket sales. Pros get it, and avoid it. Newbies think it's a real club, so they hang there.

Another club that did pretty well at first, moved to a couple of other hotels, finally settling in mid strip. They stopped paying acts after a few newbies said, "Hey, we'll work for free". That split the management of the club up and now there are two versions, the Downtown and Strip. The pros go to the Downtown one. Yet, one room opened up claiming they'd support local acts- hired many pros- and then didn't pay- the women. Men had no problem. They lost credit pretty quickly. This town is small. You can't screw one person and expect it not to be known by the other 50 who do pretty well here.

Yet, the open mic guys who start their own rooms- and do so by lies and stealing - somehow think they're immune to it. It isn't so. If you screw people over, you will be found out pretty fast. This is a VERY small community for performers. In LA, you wouldn't last ten minutes because people who are smarter and have done it longer are better at it. But here in Vegas, you last a few weeks- then either press, other comics, or worse- your own people, figure you out. You're done. That's the end of your reputation. If you come to comedy as an actor, and think you're going to act your way into a regular gig- you're fooling yourself. No one buys it. It's been done way too many times by way better talented people.

Those of us with integrity, talent, and perseverance will somehow prevail, despite the nasty snakes and leeches. (Yes I like animals, cut that out.) We may not all be rich, or we may not all have TV shows, but we have the knowledge that when the stage is empty for the night- the audience is leaving happy. And a happy audience is the best payment ever. (sort of, but you know what I mean.) If you're in it for any other reason, I feel very sorry for you.

Writer's Block? PHOOOEY!

2009-10-27T19:43:00.001-07:00

I'm one of those people that looks at everything and thinks, "what's funny in this?", which is great in traffic jams and annoying during the honeymoon. But it's true. I was at a grocery store today. It should have taken all of 20 minutes to get the four items I needed, (the four food groups for married women- chocolate, maxi pads, alli, and kitty litter). (single women have chocolate, beer, maxipads and kitty litter- they never eat.)

As I type, I'm looking at my new, slick Windows 7.0.1.1.1 alphabeta, and know that in a week I'll hate it. But I'm staring at it using the fine eye glasses I purchased at aisle 4, for $7.99, replacing the pair from the 99c Store, that was .25 less strength. I had to buy glasses for the fifth time this year. I had an eye exam and the doctor said, "your eyes have some constricted veins, but mostly, look terrific". I went from having 20-16 vision, (better than a bird), to 30-70. Not really bad enough to pay $350 for fancy-shmancy eye goggles, (nose goggles seem odd, huh?), but great for the 99c Store models. The grocery store carries eye glasses. That amused me for about ten minutes. I decided to see what other "What doesn't belong here" items I could discover.

The store is called Gelzers or some such. I think it's a mock of the word Geezers, because mostly old hippies shop here. There is a tye-dye aisle, and four rows of "youth serums". The first thing you see as you enter is a produce section, featuring the fine Vegas treat- Melons. Every one in Vegas talks about melons. Next to these were gourds. Gourds and Melons. How can this be any more Vegas? Right next to these were the "Phillipino foods". So they were telling all who enter, "We cater to those who go to karaoke and deal cards at casinos". I dig that. Dragonfruit, kiwi and lime. What drinks could be made from these? I'll tell you- they had the liquor section directly next to the fruit. What does that say about Vegas? ALL you need is in those areas, apparently. I don't even drink, but I had to check it out.

The alcohol started with wines of multiple varieties. Cue, "What doesn't belong here" music. There were garlic wines, coffee wines, pear wines, (pair wines?), and True Blood, which is a Comic-con staple. I'm looking at Ice Wine, and realize, my nose is bleeding. But this is the hippy store- so like this guy like came out and said, like "groovy" and handed me his tye-dye hankerchief. "Hand Your Chief" as he said. Then this gypsy-esque Stevie Nicks woman said, "Wow, that's a vision you're having". I said, "It's the coffee- not any caffeine in tofu-ee." Yes, the coffee shop had tofu coffee. What-the-F?

The section next to the drunk tank is the cheese spread. (get it, spread? get it? ahem.) I love goat cheese. Not Feta, not Brie- real squishy, gushy, white sloppy goat cheese, and they had all the varieties I could ever imagine, including Coffee, and Garlic. And of course, this Boston born and bred comedian had to check out the crabs and sea food section. It had a section of Kermit legs, a bit of Sea Bass, and a lot of crab-in-a-bag. I guess hippies dig these things, too. The deli was all Boar's Head. It as RenFaire fare right in front of me. And, right in the middle of the meat piles were two ROUND melons. Yep, Wubbies in the Deli Aisle. (For those who need to use wikipedia to find out what a Wubby means- I feel for you.)

Most grocer's carry a sizable number of cereals. There were almost no varieties here. But, if you are into shredded wheat? You found paydirt. That's what it tastes like. This must be a hippy thing. But they had Australian, British, German, American, and even Canadian shredded wheat. It was sort of weird seeing the Indian one- with a cow on the box. That's not how I worship my idols, but I guess Wheaties is our version of that art. I'm all over the Cream of Wheat. All over it like some people like fudge sauce on ice cream. I could eat it at every meal. That or raviolis. They carry an abundance of both.

Then came the "What is THAT here for?" moment again. Do you know how many razors there are for just armpits? JUST armpits? I didn't realize it either. Then there were the foot scraping tools. I guess there was a guy who saw his cheese grater on the kitchen table, started rubbing his foot with it, and then patented it to make a gazillion dollars. This gem was in no less than 3/4 of the entire cosmetics aisle. There were sixteen different models of it. Of course I bought one. It's now part of the over 45 food groups. I'm over 45. Yikes. Shh. don't tell anyone.

It doesn't matter how healthy a hippy store is supposed to be. There is always an ice cream aisle. Not just a hoodsie/napolitano one, but a huge pile of stuff that fell off the Mr. Whippee Truck. There were Tofu-creams, (ick), Tandoori Creams, (come on?), and stuff that doesn't appear to be edible, and yet somehow sells like crazy in a box. I couldn't even try to make this up, but there was one item shaped like an animal organ, and it had a kid's face on it. Yeah, not even remotely edible. On the outside. I'm sure it sold like hotcakes flavored ice cream.

I arrived at the check out line with my boxes of fruit, piles of melons, and waddles of wheats. How could any one ever run out of material, really? All it took was my 20-minute turned 97 minute tour of hippy-ville to get another 10 minute set together. It's always where you live. It's around you. It's part of you. It's the stupid things that life is made up of- and unless you are avoiding it- you got lots to talk about.

Hmm, pig ear cream! Love that store!

Topics, Hacks, and Parallel Thoughts

2009-09-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

We just had our first anniversary of the Short Bus Comics show, and there are always photos going up on the image site, as well as the Short Bus site. The show has a stable of some pretty funny people, and many of us play other gigs, too. In a town like Vegas, everyone gets to meet everyone and you get to know the open mikers as well as the headliners who visit smaller venues to try out material.

The biggest issue anyone in comedy ever seems to struggle with is: What do I talk about? For some this question is based on the concept that there are too many topics. But there are others who simply can't figure out the right stream of thought that works with not only who they are, but their voice, their look, their attitude, and their audience. The fact is, if you can talk to anyone about something with passion it will be a great topic for you.

The second issue is "Is this Hack?" which should be asked immediately after that question of topic. Why? If you've heard it a million times before, "MJ and kids" "priests and kids" "airplane food" etc etc etc.. then so has each member of your audience and every comic on the stage before and after you. You can probably sit in a circle with 10 comedians and you can each come up with 50 premises that end in the phrase "Michael Jackson". You can probably name at least 10 comedians who don't write their own material, but instead recite jokes that come from books that are older than Vaudeville. For them Abe Lincoln is topical.

Hack material is the stuff that everyone knows the punchlines to and those who aren't comedians generally repeat in office parties. It's that stuff that we get sent via the never-ending chain of email humor. Some comedians do nothing but hack material, but do it in such a way that the humor is the spoof of the hackiness of it all. It doesn't mean that the comedian is bad, but it does mean that the material isn't the best. Why use hack material if there are so many topics to play upon? Why repeat street jokes if there are new events every day in the paper? Why think that no one in the audience has heard that one about customer service and computers? Everyone has. Move on to something that's smart, wise, and YOU.

This brings up the third point. Parallel thought is a paralyzing tool for comedians afraid to do material that someone else may be doing. New comics and those who haven't had a lot of stage time, (not always the same thing), seem to be so afraid of talking about something that another comedian talks about that s/he'll stop using really good writing. That's just silly.

In Las Vegas, for instance, we have a few dozen casinos, a few million tourists, and a majority of the locals have had run-ins with both. To not speak of tourists, casinos, gambling, or anything else related to Sin City means avoiding a treasure trove of stories and jokes. Yet, I've been to stages where new comics are so afraid they've "taken someone else's joke" that they don't even try the material that's unique to them. My view of the tourist is entirely different from that of someone who works dealing cards, or serving food. Another person's view may be different from mine when I spend time in a wheelchair or when I try to park in the few disabled spots. Perspective changes the topics from one person to the next. You can run on the same track, and never step on another foot.

Parallel thought is also what gets experienced comics irked at new comics. The idea that a comedian who has five years stage time is supposed to be the ONLY person talking about Topic X, (let's say Billy Mays), is just silly. Other people share experiences, and other people share memories. If a room of comics all did a punchline on Billy Mays Oxy-products, chances are it will be a different one for each person. To get pissed off at a new comic's use of "oxy-moron", is unrealistic and frankly, idiotic. It's like expecting no one else on stage to talk about relationships, illnesses, politicians, news stories, eating habits, travel, and the thousands of other shared experiences we have every day. Human conditions are not owned by any one comedian. Sorry.

One of the best run and most successful tour shows at the moment is Kiki Melendez' Hot Tamales tour. She has gathered a group of primarily Latina comedians, added a few others and each voice is completely her own, (and his own for the case of the token male who may grace the stage). Some women talk about parenting, others about dating, others about careers, and still others- well- Jessica Kirson- about idiots in general. (I love JK.) If the comics on the tour were given a restriction, "You can't talk about X because Ms. Thang over there talks about X" then the show would be really dull. Kiki's life has entirely different experiences than Amy Anderson's life, and even if they both speak of womanly worlds- the world is from their own perspectives.

But, there are those who don't want to write on topics that inspire any passion. There are those who think that telling one of those jokes from the store bought joke books is a great way to be a comic. There are those who will go to youtube or other sites and learn a comedian's act line for line. These are the people who irk not only seasoned pros, but newbies, too. Comedy works when it is true to the person doing the talking. Bad comedians are those who take the talent of timing, and use it in refining another person's words. The audience may laugh, but no other comic will respect you, and worse, club owners will look at you as a hack.

If you find yourself stuck and unable to think of topics that are true to you, take a voice recorder, (use your phone, or computer if you want), and just talk about your day, your family, your job, your school, or anything that inspires you to just babble. Maybe you're pissed off at driving in rush hour. Maybe you are dating way too many nuts. Maybe your pets cost more than your car. Do you really spend that much time looking at the food in your house and then going to the drive-thru? Everyone has something that is funny if it's not forced. Forcing funny is never funny. Knowing topics can help create great routines, and knowing the difference between hack and good writing is the difference between comedy and wasting time on stage. Parallel thought is forgivable, but line-for-line, word-for-word theft is just not, no matter how long you've been on stage or who you are. If you can't write, you can't do comedy. Try political speech writing? Wait, that's comedy.

Kill or Be Killed

2009-05-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

Last week I had the best show in YEARS- the crowd was hot, the material flowed, and man when the crowd is with you- nothing compares. The giggles were humongously flowing in between the big laughs, and its like a potion. You just want more and you just try to give more. I did my 10 and left- and felt like I gave a group of people who arrived some happy times for a little while. Just made me happy to make people happy.

That's what's known as Killing. "I killed!" "I slayed em" "I destroyed em" very violent. Really just about the energy of the people around you. It helps when the audience moves right up front, and there are not empty spots in the back.

The farther back an audience is from the stage the less likely you're going to have a kick ass show. The reason is simple- laughter is the contagious effect of people finding humor together. They become bonded, common shared experiences- and it's a type of feeling that only the people in the front car of the rollercoaster share. It's the type of feeling that only people who have had the same bad service at the same table every week know about. It's the idea that those who sit nearby are getting things the same way you do.

Last week, we had a few solid groups of people who were there to have a great time. They came in with the idea, "We are going to laugh!" And they were on our side from the first moment the emcee hit the stage. That was Great Element Number 1. The second great element was the dispersing of energy from the performers. Some were HIGH energy, others were low energy, but great at delivery. Still others played with the audience. Have a mixed batch gives the audience the feeling of "What's happening next?" Letting them anticipate is half the fun in comedy. It helps that they also were willing to look at the comedians as human beings and not a tv show.. they were interacting with us, and just giving us so much to work with. The comedians on the bill all got along really well, so we supported each other just as much. That makes for a GREAT show. I wish every show could work as that one did because it was not only a joy performing, but it was a joy watching the others on the bill.

Flash to this week. We have a different set of people in the crowd. The audiences is from a mixed background, and they were seated in pockets through out the theater. I couldn't quite grasp where one group was, but there were obvious empty seats in sections between each group. One group was the young, fired up college crowd. Another was the seniors out on their first date in ten years. Yet another was a bunch of cops, now retired, with their ladies, taking them to a free show in Vegas. Then there were the friends of comics. Okay, what is it about comics and friends of comics that means "Sit as far back as possible"? It's not a cool habit, and it makes it hard for the show to work right when the only laughs are snickers from people in back.

The psychology of an audience works best when the "friends and family" are in front- they know the acts, and pass along the giggles to those who think they are on the inside of the joke. People want to feel included and special. It is NEVER the audience at fault when the entire show is just being viewed as a so-so event. It's a combination. It's the mix of comedians- high energy comics up front, then a "thinker" then a high energy, then a "Regular guy" then a high energy. If you balance the line-up the crowd is happier.

I emceed this evening. Usually when I emcee- I get to see the line up ahead of time and suggest changes. I didn't get to see it this time- and the show was filled with a middle section of low energy people. The problem as an emcee is working the audience back into a state of "what's going to happen next?" You don't do 10 minutes, but you may end up having to play with the people in the crowd, a bit, and then nurture their energy up again. That left me with three large slow spots of trying to get energy back up. That isn't a great job for an emcee- but I've done it in the worst case scenarios, and it's been an education by fire for the last 20 or so years in learning what paces the crowd. I start my show as an emcee doing "feeler" material. I play four or five different one liners and see what is getting a response. At this point, I find where the crowd wants to hear their punchlines and can make the rest of the monologue flow accordingly.

This was a strange night in that one minute the crowd was eager for silly regional laughs, but then got bored by them in moments, then liked the doofy-hubby material, and laughed at this the longest so it became my call back. With four hours of material to use, I had hoped that something in the repertoire would have pulled them in. Unfortunately- I got a lot of blank stares- one woman who got confused as to why I was disabled, another who was asking about my marriages, and one guy who came up before the show- amped and ready, and then sat in the front row appearing deeply forlorn.

One minute they applaud the local material, the next they couldn't care if I had talked about a casino or a shoe horn. I finally made a off-hand reference to a quirky physical condition, got at least a snicker, and then offered awards. Awards were the only things that seemed to keep people interested. That's what I worked with between the sets that had slow to no laughs. It was torture not knowing what to make people giggle with- and more of a torture that when they laughed at one thing, they had no interest in the same material just seconds later. I don't think I ever figured out what was the primary laughter trigger, which has not happened in this many years of emcee work.

The last two acts are high energy. One is a prop comic who gets laughs because he basically keeps it to potty humor but the mouth has been washed out with soap. He says "booty", and "pooper" along with "piss" and "Whiz". Not dirty, but the entendres are there. His props are unmistakably R-rated, and his patter is PG. The crowd loved him- and then after three minutes, they treated him like a one trick pony and were just mildly amused. He really IS funny. But, he wasn't feeling it, and the crowd picked up on it.

Then came the last comic. It used to be that we would call the last comedian of the night the "headliner" and instead of 6 to 10 he'd get 10-15 minutes. It's standard that no comic on our show carry paper with him on stage. Well, he brings out a notebook every show. It's part of his act, but it also distracts from his material. The man comes out in a rather ornate costume and then compares his Alien life to those of the planet Earth. It works in a crowd that is younger, hipper, and into Science fiction, or at least knows what Science Fiction is. This audience was between the ages of 40 and 80, and got the 1950 jokes, but not much else. It was painful because he also did what I had been doing- learning who the audience was and what they liked. The problem was- they were tired of it by then. And, while every other comic was a few minutes, closed and were done, he went on for a much longer time. The audience was long over before he was. Usually he kills, tonight he kind of wounded.

As a comedian it's clearly established, it is NEVER the audience's fault when the room is dead. It can be the layout of the seating. It can be the price of the tickets. It can be the lack of service. It can be the time of night. But, it's never the audience who wants to be there who is at fault when a comedy show isn't working. When every single comment is fighting for laughs and using every direction that is available, it could be a multiple set of reasons. There isn't a "bad audience" there is a bad understanding of that particular audience when the entire show fails.

There haven't been very many nights where I've had few laughs. Usually the room is in tears, and I'm happy about it. I hear "oh man", or "Yeah!" or "exactly" but I usually don't hear, "What does that mean?" Most clubs, you get to see a show in the room, and see how they set things up. You get an idea of the people who purchased tickets and those who are regulars. In a new room, you don't have that luxury. It's hit or miss. Last week, we had a spectacular hit. This week we were as close to a full miss as you can get without playing disco music in a metal bar. Once you know and love your audience, they know and love you.

There were nights at the Comedy Store when I'd see friends who killed for months on end have a night filled with people who just didn't care. I was in a room when Chris Rock was the only act in front of 4 people. He made 2 of us laugh hysterically, and the other 2 were confused. I've been on the bill when Rosanne (Barr) did a drop in set at the Improv and no one had the time of day for her, and the next night she wiped the floor with the tears of laughter. Dennis Blair got more laughs than Carlin on I don't know HOW many nights, yet Carlin got the HBO specials.

It's up to us, as performers, to learn about the demographics in venues, and how to best perform for them. Last week, the crowd was younger, hipper, Latino, and we expected the same this week. But, the casino didn't offer us those same people. It offered us the people who bought time shares. It offered people who were retired. It offered us people who were on buses, visiting a show room. In most circumstances it would have worked just dandy. But, in a new venue, with a new show- it became just a learning experience. We figured out that the energy needs to be tourist oriented, and not too heady. We learned that the audience needs to be seated properly. We learned that the awards didn't really matter. And, we learned who needs to put some energy into their acts. It wasn't much of a failure after all.

No go forth and multi-giggle.

Vegas Shuts Down, I Don't

2009-03-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

Short bit today- I'm doing a section of Short Bus Comics called Fuck Censorship. It's an homage to Carlin, Bruce, and the Chitlin' Circuit, as well as to ALL women comedians who just talk about men, weight, and kids- because that's what they're told they know about. I talk about racism, sexism, politics, and the fact that I H-A-T-E the whole Political Correct Bullshit that seems to give people excuse to tell other people what to say, think or do. It's complete and utter censorship. I hate it. I'll do a show about it. So there.

Tonight is my second run of the Fuck Censorship material. In my pajamas, with pigtails, carrying a fashion doll, whose name rhymes with Carby, I start to sputter all the nasty things little girls who are good do not say. Love this show. Love writing this show. Love working on this show.

Yet, in Vegas- also known as Sin City- where BIGGER shows are shutting down left and right because the ticket prices scare away the people attempting to vacation, where the shows close because they hire 300 union employees to do jobs that 10 non-union people could do. The shows close down because for some stupid reason, the backers don't plan on recessions, depressions, and oh yeah, corporate bankruptcy? Bad business men, bad. (yes, men) It's SIN CITY, and I still get people saying, "I don't know why she has to use THAT language."

THAT language is the point of the show. The idea is other people's sensibility doesn't always jibe with the politics, the climate, the response, the reactive method of putting out words. In fact, comedy is always and will always be about saying the things that people dare not say- yet think.

And, starting Sunday, a free show happens at Bonkerz at Palace Station. No one knows how long it will last- months or years- but starting Sunday at 8pm, there is a standing invitation to paid comics to do short sets at the club. Well... I know of several comics here who are NOT able to keep their sets short- and I'm guessing they'll burn out. BUT, those of us who have done this for years and years and did I mention years? We'll do okay. I don't know if Fuck Censorship stuff will fly there- it's not the demographic. But I'll still do something fun and easy and freeing.

That's what comedy is- letting go, laughing and turning off the "what the other guy says I should say" for a while.

Wisdom from Wendy

2009-03-11T20:40:00.000-07:00

Wendy Liebman gave me permission to post her thoughts on comedy - and I'm adding them here on the blog(s), and to the website. Wendy can be found at her website, http://www.wendyliebman.com and facebook, and I'm sure at your local airport hailing the next taxi.

What I've Learned Doing Stand-up Comedy
©2009 Wendy Liebman. All rights reserved

Figure out your hair and wear what you want.

Timing is everything. Time is everything else.

Dreams really can come true.

Envisioning the future helps create it.

Prepare, show up, do your best, and learn for next time.

Pray that no one throws anything at your head.

Life is what’s right in front of you. Try to live in the moment.

Get to know the people who are closest. Respect everybody else. Don’t forget the back.

Trust your instincts.

Never attack the weak.

You are equal to everyone. You are idiosyncratic and unique.

Hear what your hecklers and critics have to say.

Transform negativity into healthy competition.

People communicate through speech and sounds, movement and silence.

Be really specific.

Know what you want.

Choose words carefully.

Deliberate (think) and be deliberate (speak and do).

This is not a dress rehearsal, but you are a work in progress.

Some of the best moments can’t be planned. There is always a bit of luck and magic involved.

Know when to be serious.

Don’t take the obvious for granted. Remember to breathe and stand up.

Artistic license is freedom either to tell the truth or to use your imagination, and to not have to say which is which.

Sometimes you’re great. Sometimes you suck. Most of the time you’re fine.

Persistence, patience, and listening are the keys.

Laugh at yourself while keeping your dignity.

Remember that dying is inevitable – hopefully it won’t be tonight. When it happens, it probably won’t be your fault. And it might not be the last time.

Hope that everyone dies laughing.
--------------------

Editing V. Censorship..the differences

2009-03-11T00:21:00.000-07:00

I posted a similar blog to the Godless Grief myspace page, and to the blogspot page, but I didn't post to the comedy blogs yet, and I think it needs to be said- a huge chasm exists between self-editing for the sake of the audience and self-censorship for a demanding person or persons. Let me explain.

I did a show a few weeks back in the daytime, where my audience was predominately in their early to late 80's, (no exaggeration), and it wasn't quite yet noon. I had a show written out, and I looked at the audience and figured out- many comments I would make would simply fall flat for being too demographically slanted to another audience, and more so, too unrelated to the previous shows that happened for this organization. There was a section that I would normally use but a recent guest talked about a similar topic and since I am very aware of that person's take on the subject- I didn't want to beat that horse with a Steven Seagal bluntness that would again, fall flat.

Therefore, I decided to use the ideas that I often play to people here in Vegas- and on stages around the country- that stereotypes are the only time people who censor themselves seem to tell the truth. That's an underlying theme for much of my work, and the point I kept making is, "Not that I would censor myself, like I would normally talk about..." then I would go ahead and relay the topic, "But I can't do that here." Okay.. a lot of the crowd got that, laughed, emailed, and even said they hadn't heard it put that way before. Then there was the ONE person- and there always is at least one- who was so rapt in the phrase, "I would normally talk about.." that he missed the idea that I had, in fact, exactly talked about, xyz.

He came up to me and said, "I kept wishing you would just say whatever it was you were going to say.." In fact, I had. I had talked about racism. I had talked about sex. I had talked about porn. I had talked about censorship. All the things I said, "I would normally talk about.." I actually DID talk about. This guy never once figured that out. Instead, he spent a full 15 minutes AFTER the event to tell me his take on the issues with comedy, trying to explain to me what is funny, and oh, by the way, actually ended up censoring me by not letting me respond in any way other than nodding at his comments. My guess is that wasn't his intent, and yet that was his action.

Every comedian who works more than 5 years- is aware of trying to GET to know the audience you play for before a show. Well, this particular event, I was not only not given that time- but, I was taken aside by at least 3 people prior to entering the performance space just so I could hear a rant, a monologue, or an "explanation" about those particular people's point of views. In fact, they were letting me know exactly who this audience was- they were people who really each had their own reason to present words, and each wanted individualized and PERSONAL attention. I knew from the moment I walked in- there were going to be people who hated me, and others who were right there, by my side, getting all that I was saying.

The ones who didn't get me were very vocal afterwords. Again, we had the self-appointed comedy critic who gave me an unending statement worded sixty-five-hundred ways about "but I just wanted to hear a comedian say..". Then, there was the "huff" fellow. He was in a huff from the minute he walked into the building, needed a target to spew his angst of the day on- never even taking into account he was actually being the kind of person he claims he is against- he wanted me to NOT say something EVER again. The something was a comment, a basic throw-away that every comic uses- the guy walked into a room as the sound of a toilet flushed a full 20 minutes after the event started, and YES I made a comment to him about it.

I saw one person who looked up at me as if I stabbed to pope in the eye with a fork- and realized, that guy is a boil in this organization and he's always ready to pop off. I nodded in her direction, and she was laughing, but I could see her avoid eye contact with that other guy. So, not three seconds after the house lights are up - he is demanding that I "NEVER EVER talk to ANYONE in the audience like that again." I asked him what he meant- he huffed a bit more, ranting about "You insulted me, you are rude, I was done with you from that minute on." Okay what did I say, then he came out with, "You should NEVER discuss anyone's penis in public I don't care WHO you are." Okay.. so I tried hard not to laugh at the huff-man's point, but I get he was hurt that he was singled out, and I apologized for THAT, but man, to tell someone to never rag on an audience member- at a meeting of Free Thinkers? Uhm. no. Not going to happen. He can remain out of my demographic, thanks. I was later told he is a hair-trigger kind of guy and some days he's a gem and others he's a spoiled egg. Guess which one he was that day? He gave me material!

So, the final censorship. When someone says, "I thought you were very funny, and I liked what you said about the religions but don't ever pick on the Jews. It's just not true." I had to have her repeat herself. First, she was interrupting the comedy critic, but to actually say to someone, "yes, you can say what you want, but not about MY people", is just twisted. That is censorship in it's basic form. It's telling someone- You can have opinions as long as they're completely in line with mine. Again, Free thinking organization. Again, I was pointing out the stupidity of stereotypes- and yet... the lady was there as long as comedy critic.

Fortunately, a man in his 80's came up and saved me from the "Editing Committee". His name is Del and he calls himself the oldest living male feminist. I just enjoyed chatting with him and he GOT everything I was talking about. In fact, the majority of the people who went apparently liked me enough to ask me to return, and I have dozens of letters from the audience members who didn't feel I missed a mark, or those who said I made them laugh about the silliness of people. I had edited my show for THESE people, and that worked out just fine.

There is a substantial difference between those who want to laugh and those who want to dictate what others should be laughing at to begin with. There's a distinct difference between those who listen to comedians and those who go to watch a ballet. In a ballet, you wouldn't hear of someone sitting by the stage, and taking a dancer aside to tell him how he needed to demi-plie in a way that didn't show his jock strap. But, in comedy, this is kind of a job hazard.

Someone will come up and tell you a joke and follow it with, "oh and you can use it if you want". Others will come up to you and let you know how THEY would tell your jokes. But, when you turn around asking if they are comedians, "Oh no, I could never do that." So don't tell me how to do it. I ask advice from people I've seen on stage and who have seen my show- they have work experience in my field. I would never think to go to a nursing station and tell an RN "Yeah you should probably use a 3mm needle and then wrap surgical stockings on anyone who says they're republican." Why? What would I do that for? It makes no sense. Yet, it's exactly the thinking people have when they try to "help" a comedian. In fact, they're censoring. Telling someone what to say and how to say it is the ultimate form of censorship when its relative to the whole "free speech" thing.

A comedian knows what is working by hearing laughs. It's the principle. It's the payoff. It's the interest, too. When my porn stuff wasn't working, I moved on to the other stuff. The TV stuff worked just fine. The show was okay- not my worst, not my best, but for a day show- it's one of the better ones- despite the self appointed editors.

I'm editing a new show.. about people who censor comedians. It's called "fuck censorship".

Classes, Competitions and Contests

2009-02-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

The C words of comedy-- Classes, Competitions and Contests- they're supposed to bring you fame and fortune far sooner than if you had years of stage time, but is that the case? If you go to a comedy club and see "As Seen on Last Comic Standing" you may find yourself watching the middle act, not the headliner. Seems as if the reality of being a comedian who can handle all audiences is an issue for those who shortcut. It's not like karaoke, ala American Idol, where you can practice in front of your bathroom mirror and grandparents. A good comic knows that the audience on Wednesday may rock, and one on Friday may look at you as if you had a penis growing out of your forehead.

The Hollywood dream of comedians finding a producer in the audience worshiping every word, and begging her to write the next major sitcom, is a rare and more often unrealized one. Yet, if you go to the clubs in Los Angeles you'll find a lot of very pretty people ACTING like comedians. Some hire writers. Others creatively borrow from other real writers, and discover that dialing it in isn't working. When they wake up and see that their not getting movie role offers, the clubs have suffered the consequences. No one wants to see unfunny comedy. The glut of comedians in the 80's produced hundreds of dead clubs.

So comics avoided the clubs that seemed to put more prettier-than-life people on mics. They searched for other ways to get noticed. One started a show called "Last Comic Standing" which was supposed to be Real World meets Survivor meets American Idol. Comedians were going to out-funny each other, and get network notice. Well, it sort of backfired when the reality HIT the reality TV circuit- and it was discovered that the networks were pushing judges to select the pretty-made-for-tv-actor-comics over those who had the chops, and the skills, to keep an audience laughing. The show failed comedians the way the comedy clubs in LA were failing- not dealing with the idea that people wanted to laugh with a comedy writer/performer, rather than see an idealized version of what a comedian should be. That fails both the comedian and the audience- and yet thrives because pretty people who fail make great TV.

There is a comedy class in nearly every major city in the United States. Do comedy classes help people? Yes. You will get personalized guidance, and you will get tips on how to handle stage situations from those who have been through the trenches. People who fail at classes are those who assume that material will suddenly appear out of nowhere, who don't put the writing first, and those who assume that fame is part of the comedy equation. It's not. The three parts of comedy are Performance, Writing, Audience Reaction. If you can't ace all three, you will never be a comedian. The classes help in getting people past obstacles involving all three. But, they only work if the performer is willing to put effort into it. The comedian will save months of stage time if s/he immerses into the process rather than just does the class, and nothing else. You have to perform, you have to be on stage, you have to write. And you have to fail.

This is the competition corner of the blog- Competition is great for those who are better performers under pressure. For those who pepper themselves with the tiniest bit of self doubt- you are not someone who will do well in a competitive environment. It only takes one moment of "I wonder if that's working?" to fall flat on your face. If you feel doubt, the audience and judges feel it, too. And, even if you win a competition, you still have to be consistent to get gigs. Some people are great competitors but don't bring the funny EVERY time on stage. To succeed you need that edge- the bookers will see if you aren't getting a response, and you can't rely on one competition to make your career. Yet, that seems to be the option for those who really aren't ready to be career comedians.

The short cuts only work if you have the chops to begin with and certainly only work with those who are going to be putting out the effort well after those experiences end. There are pretty people in comedy. There are mediocre stars. There are those who have taken the shorter routes, but still managed to keep their career going. Dedication to yourself, your idea of funny, and writing will get you farther. The ability for those to appreciate your efforts ensure your comedic future. Quitting doesn't do anything to improve your chances of being the next big star. And, sometimes a shear comprehension of bombing well does.

What an Emcee Can do to Suck the Room Dry

2009-01-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

The community in comedy is small. Someone you work with at a coffee house open mic this week may be the big star on some sitcom next week. Case in point, Jim Carrey was working at Thrifty Drug Store in Los Angeles WHILE he was on In Living Color because he had been burned by the Hollywood Promise before and wanted to ensure Janey, his daughter, and his wife Melissa, (this was a while ago...wayyyy before Holly and McCarthy), had food on the table and a place to live. Melissa was waitressing, and I remember meeting the little kid -with her dad a few times in front of the Comedy Store.

The place has an open area, where there's an outdoor bar, and on any day you'd find Eddie Griffin chatting with Bruce Baum chatting with Emo chatting with just a newbie from Boston hoping to make it big on the stage someday. The place kept everyone on one level- a casual, real, warm, we do this too place. No one was a star, yet everyone was there, and it was time when John Pinnette was just as new as anyone else, even though he was a star in his New England home. We all were. All the people who worked that club during the late 80's had a modicum of success. We had road gigs and college gigs and late night bar gigs under our belts.

And, we each had stories. We had stories about the worst emcees who had ever walked onto a stage, taken the air right out of the room, and still work in the clubs we left behind us. We had stories about the people who like to use the word "comedy" to describe what they provide, despite the truth- the long winded, uninteresting, street-joke spewing, ego stroking nonsense that never amounts to anything other noise. It was a relief to see that the most seasoned and the newest members of the club each shared one common bond- Bad Emcees ruin shows, and they are our common enemy.

The MC is the Master of Ceremonies. Some are expected to monitor the time of comics, some are supposed to ensure that the club is in communication with the comedian. Some are supposed to set up lights, run sound, and even ensure there are comped drinks to VIPs.

The nightmare emcee doesn't understand the role first of all. S/he has an idea that the show is secondary to their needs. An emcee isn't supposed to take a show and turn it into "Love the Emcee, screw our guests this evening."

S/he isn't supposed to do twenty minutes, then give the comedians on the bill less time than a commercial break so he can continue his next twenty minutes. Then, s/he closes the show with his "real set" which ends up being another 30 minutes of ranting, without any obvious signs of humor in any of it.

The Producer Emcee usually is someone who has a bit more stage experience, but I've been in shows when the Producer Emcee is someone who hasn't even done comedy before but thought his friends thought he was funny, so he figured he would talk a restaurant into letting him host a show. The ego is enormous and the talent is just dismal. If s/he gets that the audience isn't giving a great response s/he will keep his intros short, and let the comics do their jobs. However, the bad emcee will suck the room dry from all laughs, be obviously uncomfortable with material or public speaking, and use stage time to humiliate and annoy audiences and comics alike. They are poison.

There is a road gig I took with three other people who happen to be from Boston. The guy emceeing kept trying to imitate JFK, and expected us to prattle on about being Democrats and eating Clam Chowder. That was his perception of Boston. None of us had the plan of playing to his whims. The guy showed another aspect of crappy emcees. He had no idea of the comics he was introducing, put assumptions in his intros, and just sounded like an idiot. He used his scintilating understanding of the English language to see how many cuss words he could fit into one intro. Pleasant. He also hit on every single female in the audience, so many left by the time the headliner made it to the stage.

Emcees who heckle are fairly common, whether we want them to or not. They'll scream out punchlines, make wisecracks about waitresses, or worse, they'll simply be just as obnoxious as the most ardent loud mouth. The excuse is usually, "I thought you could take it!" Or they'll sit in another part of the room, with a friend, or a member of the staff, ignore what's going on stage-wise, and talk sport scores, sex acts, and manners of cleaning bodily fluids from the floor of the club.

The ones who drink nonstop, during a show, and then show their inability to handle liquor as the night progresses are embarrassing to themselves and the club. They certainly aren't funnier, and often they just come across as frat boys pretending to be comics. If they're so stoned they forget to speak words, have drunk friends in the audience, and only talk to them, or if they are dogging the bartender for not providing enough liquor they're space wasters, and should be replaced. (That is, unless of course, the club caters to stoned, drunk frat boys who can't speak words, mostly books paranoid schizophrenic comics, hires only waiters who are selling drugs, and runs between the hours of 3 and 5 in the morning. THEN it's cool.)

When an emcee has solid material, it's a joy. You are part of a show that is warmed up by someone who has comedy chops. The audience can tell, and the rest of the line- up knows, the show will work out great. If a comic has a bad set, a good emcee usually can rewarm a room. If there are problems with an unruly crowd, a great emcee knows how to shut down the worst and call security on the seriously vile. And, a great emcee will make a cursory attempt at learning about your previous work and material so as not to do similar stuff, or not to trample on your act by introing with your punchlines.

But there are times when the emcee thinks it would be okay to use YOUR material to introduce you. That's bad. Nothing is worse than hearing the crowd zone out during the second tellling of your tale.

There are times when Crappy Emcee will use your material after you have left the club- and do it badly. That's not only bad for you, but bad for any other comic who has to work with you later, and didn't know the lines were lifted. Not good.

There are times when an emcee uses a microphone badly- getting it wet with beer, or sucking on it, or another nasty trick that not only causes tech issues, but health issues. One woman in some state, we'll call Texas, thought it was funny to wipe her running nose on the mic. Ugh.

There are times when an emcee will prattle on about how badly he is doing- so much so that it's not funny, and begins to sound like a forced group therapy session. The audience doesn't want a life story they want to laugh. They're trying to get their own lives out of their head for a while- and laugh. That's why we do this, not to work out what our bosses said to us that day that made us really sad. (Well, unless there's a lot of material there..then...you know...use it.)

And, a really bad emcee will con a club into thinking he has years of experience and is a funny person, when really his ego trip is just wasting everyone's time. If the guy claims he has a radio show, but it turns out to be a podcast, and the podcast is produced via his cell phone- run. This is not the person you want. And, if he says he's really funny, make sure you get written proof of this from legitimate press, comments on his online videos, and something other than a business card to prove his experience. Again, the comedy community is very small. We all know what happens in one town soon gets talked about in the next. Maybe not always by the most famous comic on the tour, but a bad emcee will be the reason other comics won't do a club date again.

To all who are great emcees- we talk about that too. You are what makes a show worthwhile for many comedians. Thanks to the good emcees good rooms exist. You are the heroes of the club, and all of us- comics, audiences, bookers, and club owners know it. Thank you.

A Comic Walks into An Atheist Convention

2009-01-27T13:14:00.000-08:00

On February 22, 2009, the Atheists United hosts their monthly get-together at 11am, at the Center for Inquiry. Comedian and author, Cathe B. Jones is the featured entertainer, providing comedy relief, and discussing her books, Godless Grief, and My Doctor Is Killing Me. The event is free, and the day show also serves as a luncheon. Cathe's humor is described as vibrantly witty, thought provoking, and emphatically not politically correct, taking on the topics of atheism, racism, and political satire.

Led by indomitable Bobbie Kirkhart, the Atheists United (a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization) has a three-fold mission:

* To promote atheism through education and outreach;
* To promote the First Amendment and the separation of government and religion;
* To create and support a vibrant atheist community.
AU has a full schedule of events, often inviting vibrant speakers, and highly evolved discussions. The meeting on February 22nd is held at Center for Inquiry-West, 4773 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angles CA. This general meeting is Free and open to the public, and begins at 11am.

Kirkhart is currently the president AU, but also led organizations including Atheist Alliance International, Secular Coalition for America, and serves as board member to Humanist Studies and Darwin Day Celebrations. Her first article published nationally was "I Protest: A Santa Claus God", and was written by a woman who was devoutly protestant. Later, she learned through the efforts of her work as social worker, that her world wasn't created by any religion or gods, and since 1983, she has been a member of AU. As public speaker, author, and leader she continues to inspire atheists here and abroad with her wit, fiery sense of purpose, and ability to reach even the most ardent of the religious right.

Cathe B. Jones has performed stand-up comedy in three countries, since 1981. She has three shows in Las Vegas, performing several times a week. As an Atheist Author, Cathe works to inspire other atheists to proactively promote the idea that kindness and free thought should be practiced in all aspects of life. As a writer, her themes are action-based and humanitarian based, serving advocacy pieces. Godless Grief is the first book written about loss for and from the atheist perspective. My Doctor Is Killing Me is a patient advocacy hand book for those who have not been heard by the medical community. Her husband, Mike Jones, is the music director for Penn & Teller, and they reside in Las Vegas with their pets and pianos.

Sammy Shore, and Short Bus Shows

2008-10-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week with the husband dealing with post surgical stuff, one of my favorite sets of pals becoming engaged, and then a car accident- everyone is fine, (People 1, Car 0). Unfortunately it was the hubby's car that lost the battle, so that's another movie written. Lots of comedy in there. Just not tonight.

Friday night was the Short Bus Comics sophomore show- the second of a long great run at the Onyx Theater, in Vegas. Roman, the producer, is certainly one of the most talented artist hunters I've ever met. I emcee'd a room that was filled with great energy, great comedy, and great people. Some folks hit the stage for the very first time, some are storytellers, some are Aliens from another planet, and some are puppetmasters. But all of them are true to themselves, and do that special thing that makes comedy so much better live- they let themselves goof up, and the try things that others aren't willing to risk.

For this reason specifically, I expect the Short Bus show to last in Vegas for a very very very very long time. It's reminiscent of the Greenwich Village shows at coffee houses where you'd see Woody Allen play alongside Brother Theodore. (Yes, Gabriel, that was for you.) It's the melting pot of humor that works really well because there isn't a "You do comedy this way" method that seems to prevent other rooms from gathering heat. With the warm personalities- every one is there from start to finish supporting one another, and offering something amazing- a home.

After a few minor glitches with mics, and with the goofy emcee getting a couple comis out of order..(sorry guys).. the show was mostly a smooth run of the magnetic personalities and truly unique acts that made being on stage just a joy from start to finish.

This morning, I had to get up at 6am to prep for the book fair at the Clark County Library. (yeah, I know, zombies don't even get up at 6 in Vegas.) It was pretty insane, but it had to be done. Lots of print-outs. Lots of copes for the Las Vegas Quillkeepers table. One other member made it, and she was amazing, (thanks Wista). The guy who had the table after me is not unkown to comedy circles.

The fact was, I know his daughter Sandi. We met about 12 years ago, in Los Angeles, at the Comedy Store, when I wanted to brush up on my act after being off stage for 6 months. Sandi has a book about comedy and it's pretty good- we got to be friends and I even helped her with her website for a little while. She would bring her dog to the club, and her dog and I were also friends. His son, Pauly, was at the club when I was doing stage time for the first time there. He was a mere 17 years old, I believe, and still Rodney Dangerfield's favorite kid comic up until he died.

Mitzi was a terrific mentor, and I'd hear her telling other comics, "you'd be good if you just worked a few other rooms, then came back". I was lucky enough to be "passed" the first time she saw me, when she said, "You got something unusual kid, don't lose it." In the divorce, Sammy Shore gave Mitzi the Comedy Store, and she really made it into the home for most Los Angeles comedians.

Sitting with Sammy today was a complete accident. It turns out our table was to be his at a designated time, and I waited for him, to help him set up and to say hello- he is SAMMY SHORE after all. The peer to Moms Mabely, Phyllis Diller, Joey Bishop, and the opening act for Elvis for five years. There isn't a stage that Sammy didn't own, and to meet with him, after having dozens of chats with his daughter and son was just a thrill so hard to describe.

He was just the glowing dad when it came to talk about Sandi- and that was charming. Working with Tony Orlando is also something he was just excited about telling me...and he was just vibrant. The guy may be 81 on the outside, but he's about 35 upstairs. Smart, swift, and really a funny guy who has seen it all. His hearing isn't the best- and my low voice probably didn't help- but we had a great chat. Politics, publishing, comedy, the Store, his kids, his dogs- we just had a nice afternoon.

So for the last 12 hours I had a great immersion into the world that is comedy- part with new legends to be, and part with a true master of the form. It was a day that let me know "I'm doing the right thing, and these are my people."

It's a great feeling.

cbj

Smart Men. Dumb Men.

2008-10-13T15:18:00.000-07:00

I would rather spend ten hours with a person who is literate, has an opinion, and would be happy to talk about life than someone who putz around with a car, talks about "screwin'' and thinks fine dining is sitting INSIDE instead of hitting the drive-thru.

That said, there are people who do THINK for a living, and they are the ones who have always been the sexiest human beings on the planet to me.

Marc Maron, for one, is a thinker. Whether the topics is his cats, or Obama, he always has something interesting to say, and a great way of saying it. Very sexy. Very cool. He may not be the guy that you'd find at starbucks, but he certainly will tell you all ABOUT the guy at starbucks, who is working there, why they are there, and what they assume the world is about- and he'd be right. Coffee and cigs to Marc- he's earned them.

Henry Rollins is a thinker. He's a book-boy- the kind you find perusing the mom and pop used book stores, wondering if the next great find is just around the next shelf. He talks about politics from the perspective of a son-of-a-military man, and that shows in every event he's in. I listen to Black Flag with equal aplomb to his spoken shows- and he always makes me wonder why I didn't articulate as well exactly the words he uses.

Eddie Izzard- looks better in bright red lipstick than I do, but my favorite moment was sitting next to him for the entire showing of The Aristocrats in the Hollywood premiere...thinking..this is the sexiest man who has ever crossed dressed, and that's one tomboy I wants to play in the sane-box with. He makes thinking a way of life- and he's just stunningly sexy.

Now there are far too many stupid men on this planet. (mccain) There are so many that just starting a list of them (bush) seems useless as I think there aren't enough ink jets in the world to print that list up.

Stupid men tell you something you already know and try to make it sound like their original idea. They try to impress you with a vocabulary garnished from dictipedia, and amusing anecdon'ts. They will belittle the intelligent guy, and assume you will go along for the joke. To me, and many women, they are hideously boring. When a guy starts comments, "I just heard this..." you know that they're testing an idea that THEY find stupid, but want to see if it's acceptable to others.

Meanwhile, there's Dave Barry sitting at home, talking about his wife and kids with the same enthusiasm as Einstein talked about mathematics. My first crush was on Gene Wilder because he made me laugh.. and he was smart about it. Yes, he was in the most famous fart-joke movie ever, but he was still smart. Smart, funny. Witty, wise. These are the qualities of attractive men.

I bring this up because the other night I mentioned to someone I liked Sci-Fi nerds. I like them, and I find them very sexy. Kevin Smith is a sci-fi nerd, as is Seth MacFarlane- they could each recite lines from the FIRST Star Wars movie back and forth to each other, and then have a full conversation in iambic pentameter reguarding anything including shoe-horns, (a word I find quite amusing). One of my friends said, "Sci fi is for idiots", and I think I wanted to laugh at her, hard, and wonder if she has ever seeeeeen David Tennant in Dr. Who, or the equally gorgeous, yet somehow just too gregarious gay-boy-toy, John Barrowman in Torchwood.

Thinking boys are the best. They not only have read the Karma Sutra, they can tell you the Klingon sex games, and even offer you a handful of skittles as they do it. I mean do it.

I married a guy who is now a sci-fi nerd. He wasn't when I met him. Now when we're zoning on the couch, when he has the remote, which is always, he flips to the Sci-fi channel, the nerdiest movies, and he can recite EVERY line in Fargo, which isn't a Sci-fi movie, but is a good brain-man movie just the same. He was always a book-boy, though, and that's a huge thing with me, (writer and all), because it means he is still learning about life, and approaches the world anew with every turned page. Clancy, Ludlum, or King- he devours what he reads- and then joins me in the discussions of biographies- Beatles to single moms. He gets the idea that life is about what you don't know THEN about what you do.

That's smart boy sexy.

And he's funny. Not Izzard-Maron funny, but in a Farrelly Brothers Neurotic kind of way. That's a good sci-fi nerd trait.

Thanks Jamie Kennedy (and Emery Emery)

2008-10-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone who has ever gotten on stage to do stand-up needs to watch Jamie Kennedy's movie, Heckler. Why? It says so much about what it means to be a comedian, and what it means to read another person's words.

You may have noted- I don't bash people as a rule. I've been heckled three times in a 24 year career. That's either saying that my audience just falls asleep when I bore them, or that I am too busy ignoring people- when actually, they're a lot f my act. I adore playing with people- and although I'm not as swift as Jimmy Brogan, I tend to make the audience my pal... or I just go away, head held low, knowing I didn't accomplish the goal of making people happy. Life goes on...

I've had great sets, and I've had full months of bad sets. I mean last year, when I was prepping for Comed-o-Therapy, I asked pal Bill Word if I could play his room to test out new stuff. The good part is that I got to work out a lot of material. The bad part is that the room is full of comedians, and want-to-be comedians, and they sat at the FAR WALL of the room..leaving a vast empty pool of seats which made my type of comedy very difficult to do. For the first time in my comedy career, I spent days bombing. Days. I mean nights. I even had a crappy night with my pal Martin Moreno at his room- where seven people, ready to hear about my vagina, were regailed with gimpy stuff they weren't sober enough to get- I didn't read them right, and I did miserably. Two weeks later, when Richard Villa had me in the bullet position, (first up), I did pretty well at the Improv, and felt a lot better... not quite as defeated.... and had some great laughs, too.

Flash forward to this year, and I'm doing a few rooms in Los Angeles, and Vegas. Fortunately, I'm not hearing crickets, and things are flowing. I had one not-so-perfect, but great times at Friday Night show with David Corrado, Grace Fraga, and Dana Snow. But, I saw Jamie's movie at the store- and thought- yes, I would very much like to see this, especially with a mix of Hutchens, Emery, and Maria Bamford. I think every comic should see Lenny Bruce, The Aristocrats, and Heckler. Maybe you can see that movie with Tom Hanks and Sally Field, because George Wallace in the hospital scene is worth the rental- but the first three listed, see.

When you go on stage in a college in Ohio, and there are fifty-one football and baseball players expecting you to do sports jokes, and you were told it was a benefit for the alumni association- but you're getting paid- it's sort of like living the movie, Heckler. It's a lot of people staring up at you- "Who's the CHICK?", then figuring out you're okay when you mention Larry Bird, and suddenly you can do your own material again. When you sit and write a three hour monologue for ten minutes of usable material- it's exactly why you do comedy- and it's why you're glad you do it.

Jamie Masada is one of the funniest part of the extras. He's seen EVERYONE, (me included), and knows ALL of the come-backs to people who mouth off to a comic. His brother was still alive and booking the Laugh Factory when I was there- but watching him brought me right back to the days when I would sit by a waitress wondering if I could go up that night- and hearing Jamie in the background saying, "I don't know if you can be regular yet." If that doesn't make you regular, nothing will.

I never have met Jamie Kennedy, that I remember. I met most of the people in this little flick. I met them when we were on rosters together, or when we were in lines waiting to be called for Open Mic's at the Store back in the 80's, or at the Santa Monica Improv, (rip), waiting to hear Lonow tell us one more time, "I'm not sure yet." People like Slayton were up there, doing amazing things, and Carrie Snow, and Taylor Negron, and my personal comedy god, Charles Fleischer- blowing people off the planet with just how fast and funny each is.

Everyone who spoke truly gets the point of being on stage. They get what it's like to be destroyed by someone's comments. It's a standard rule with me, words aren't to be wasted, and they are to be cherished. If you start your conversation with what you hate in the world, or whom, then you are just saying, "I don't like my life too much and I want you to be miserable too."

The guys shown to be critics are just so boring to me. They should be to anyone who loves comedy. Critics of comedy are generally people who never got picked by Masada, Mitzi, or Lonow to do stage time. They're generally people who couldn't get hired by the local A.M. radio station, started a podcast, and used enough naughty words to get noticed by the keywords on google. Basically, they're just people who didn't get to be the bully, or class clown, so use words to be both. Just sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Loved Heckler also because it was a great way to see Emery editing again. He's a great human, and a super pal, and just all out talented. I hope he gets a lot more work...he's got a great eye. That's all - and if you need no other reason, watch for Jen Kober. She's amazing.

Small but worth it....

2008-10-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

This last week I was in Los Angeles for I THINK my last time this year. I was there mostly for my pals Sharon and Pat- wedding time. ROCKING Mrs. Maybrier is in Maui at the moment, and alliteration aside, it was an amazingly cool wedding from the GIGANTIC 5600 carat glass diamond to the gondola ride, to Rush as the "Bride and Groom Entry" music. Just rocked..and yes, this gimped danced to "Dead Man's Party" like it was 1985. (86? 88? whichever...)

There were two comedy nights during the visit. The first was in a town near where I spent some interesting years. Montebello is kind of the gateway to Pasadena, or the last stop before you hit Cerritos. Either way, it's a nice town with a strong Latino heritage, and some down-home shops on the main drag. One of the restaurants features a comedy night, hosted by Erik Schulte, (not sure did I spell that right? I think so..). In either case, I used to hang out there when I was living in South Pasadena, in search of thrift stores and enchiladas.

The Wild Coyote doesn't seem like a place that would a. host comedy and 2. be in a Latino town. The walls held posters of Marilyn Monroe, (marylina monrovia?) and Megadeth- as one of the members of stated band plays there now and again. There is a small 5 x 5 stage in the corner by the restaurant side of the bar, and it has probably one of the crappiest sound systems..appropriate for Megadeth I guess... and one of the nicest sound guys ever. The waitress is somewhat absent minded, but her legs make up for it..as that seemed to distract many people still waiting for liquid as I type. The tables were pretty far from the stage- about 18 feet or so- and there was a dance floor, so there was kind of a weird effect with the crowd.

The line-up included six or seven people..about the right size for a room that small... and the majority of these were students at El Cerritos City College or somesuch who are taking- no lie- stand-up comedy classes. That made for a GREAT place to play new material, and test out bits. The only drawback..the sound was so bizarre that it was hard to tell if the crowd was able to hear..and there were running televisions..including a few giant screens. So while the Phillies were clobbering the Rays, I was on stage hoping I wasn't the only one hearing the feedback into the microphone. I was., apparently..as the video doesn't have any of the weird bleed audio that I was hearing.

Erik does a good job of hosting- he doesn't do too much material in between sets, and he is generous with time to the comics. He also listens to the people on stage, and seems to really enjoy the job. That makes for a good emcee and a great host. I can't tell you how many times I've been in rooms where the guy/gal decides it's okay to do 10 minutes between each act- driving both comics and audience members crazy. He was supportive of the new group, and kind to us old-timers.

There was one guy left when Grace and I had to leave..neither of us leaves a show before the last guy, usually, but the last guy was running really, really long. His name was on the posters, so I am sure that had a lot more to do with it- and he was making the fatal comedy mistake of YELLING INTO A MICROPHONE, which you don't need to do, especially in a room that seats about 40 people. As a result..I never got to thank Erik, but it was a worthy room for the drive, and I recommend it to people who want to test material, or play in a bar for crowd work.

Friday, Grace and I were also booked at another room together. It's great having a comedy-buddy to play with, because you get to see how the act progresses, and can help each other with notes to punch up punchlines. This time we hit Mar Vista, and joined David Corrado at his Friday Night show in St. Bede's basement.

This room is quite intimate. There is a general atmosphere of "try stuff out, we'll love you", and there are probably only 12 people around- which means you are fairly driven to play to your friends. We got there, and David played some pre-show music from the 50's which inspired regular visitors, a couple well into their oh- 200's? Okay maybe 80's... to dance their butts off. They were ADORABLE- she was doing her best Busby Berkely, and he was Fred Astairing. Nice warm start.

Last time I was there, I tried a bit that hadn't been on any stage before. Nor since. But, this time, it was standard jokes, testing things out for use on Onyx stages. It worked well, and having Grace to bounce off of during the event only made it better. Dana Snow was there again, and unfortunately wasn't feeling all that well. I did get to meet a few other comics I hadn't had a chance to chat with before- including Rosie Tran.

It's unusual for a room to book more than one female a night- having three was a blast. We had our own approaches, and none of us used any of the same topics. We each had a casual demeanor and it makes for a supportive, happy show. Rosie has an infectious smile, and even when her jokes didn't go over...very rarely..she was so charming it made up for it. There were four guys up that night too... and they each had different appeal. All stayed the whole show, and all were very fun to watch.

David is also a wonderful host- he pays attention to all of the people he books, and is very good about watching time. I am one of those who times her act before hand so I figured- I had six minutes, I did six minutes. But David will let people do more time if they want it- and he notices when people struggle with too much time. So many emcees don't get that.

If you're in the LA area and want to do some work-out rooms, these two are on my "yep, they are great" list. You won't get the laughs you would in a standard comedy club, but you'll understand your own material better. If you want to use a camera to catch how you're doing, that's easy. The hosts are cordial and the audiences are happy to see you.

Wanda Sykes Gay and Awesome

2008-11-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

You know, the comedy community, as large as it is, is pretty small. There are dozens of comics I know who are in the closet, still, in 2008. Or, they just don't put their sexual orientation in the act, because it simply doesn't matter to the stories they tell. Wanda Sykes is one of the few people on the planet whom I am aware of as a lesbian comedian who just didn't have any reason to talk about it in the show- and now she is.

She has become an OUT performer because of the recent election issues, and she made that perfectly clear in her Las Vegas show this past week. I can think of women who are on stage and television now who just won't make that announcement because even today, in 2008, it affects their careers. That makes me heartbroken.

The world I grew up in was very tolerant of gay folks, and my dad worked as an electrician on a club called Buddies in Boston, so I got to meet people like Divine when I was still pretty young. I was never told "gay" was abnormal. I was never told "gay" was bad.

A friend of mine has a daughter who was in the playground with two boys who were ranting- at age 7 and 6- that gay people were not going to heaven. Fortunately I don't believe in heaven, but if I did, I know it couldn't exist without my gay pals. But, this little girl took a stand and told the boys that LOVE is what makes a good parent. She was awesome for saying so. And, her mom is awesome for letting her daughter KNOW that people are who they are- genetics do what they do- and love people regardless.

Wanda came out to a crowd who only knew her from Tracey Ullman's shows, or the Wanda Sykes Show. They didn't see her at any weddings, nor did they see her talking about Prop 8 on television. They just were there to see a woman who makes them laugh- and they didn't judge her announcement as a betrayal, nor did they leave the show. They DO NOT CARE because she is a funny person. She is a PERSON, and she's a funny one. Period. No one struck her with lightening for telling the truth, and no one started to hate her comedy just because she isn't heterosexual, (nor white, nor male). She is a funny lady.

If only we could have been that smart during the elections this year. If only there were enough smart people saying "I may not want to vote for people because it all seems the same- but I will vote for the Bills and Laws that matter to me." There weren't smart people who said, "Wait, YES means I don't want rights? THAT is silly." There weren't enough smart people who said, "EVERYONE matters in this country, no matter their orientation, age, country of origin, and ability to physically do things." I don't like the word "race" because I always thought we were the Human Race, and homo sapien doesn't split up into genus of homo sapien hetoro, and homo sapien homo. It just genetically reads Homo Sapien.

Wanda made a few hundred people laugh. She makes a few thousand people laugh. And, she is now admittedly part of another minority. Not just female. Not just black. Just gay. That's how some people will see her now. And that is not what comedy is about. Comedy is about the common tragedy we all face, and the ability to see the absurdity throughout it all. It is about the common issues we have as human beings. Sykes knows this, and now she faces those who are unclear that we are people first, and titles second. (or tenth, or thirtieth)

It was a blast walking up and down the Pro-rights Rally in Las Vegas yesterday. (Pictures at picasaweb.google.com/gimpyratcat, under short bus in Las Vegas Rally.) It was a blast seeing people who care about people. It was a blast being one of those people. And, I'm honored to know that Wanda Sykes, comedian, is now Wanda Sykes, GAY comedian, because she just opened up her common issues to the group of folks fighting hard to be heard. She is heard. That's a huge step forward.

If only we could all be so honest.

What is Hack?

2008-10-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

Most comedy today has been done to bits..and the words "sarah palin" are so intrinsic to the comedy stage, it's already too done to say them. But, the thing that bugs me on the comedy stages are the people who claim they are doing 'clean comedy' but are just redoing Bob Newhart, Rossi and Allen, and even older Alan King bits, and calling them original. It makes me upset because that is the essence of all things HACK. And, they get away with it because people who are supposed to know better actually hire them, and use them in clubs. Or promote them in contests. Either way, they're stealing and shouldn't be rewarded.

When I hear an insurance bit I think back to Alan King. When I think of bits about teaching, I think about Dennis Wolfberg, whose bug eyed delivery always made the bit better than it was. When I think of a white jewish girl pretending to be a big black man, it's Karen Haber. And, when I think of the Wizard of Oz, it's Lois Bromfeld. My personal heroes- Phyllis Diller and Moms Mabley did the "I'm ugly" bit long before others did. And, they did them right. The first time.

These bits are all on you-tube, and other websites, and are readily available. If you see them, you can see who is doing the exact routines. Mark Pitta, for instance, does one of the best Robert DeNiro imitations ever...because he LOOKS like DeNiro when he's not doing it. When I saw some kid imitating Pitta doing DeNiro, it just didn't ring true. He was imitating Pitta doing DeNiro and it was just not correct. It was mimicry at best, and falsely inflated ego at worst.

The fact is, there are thousands of us with ADD. There are thousands of us bringing note cards up on stage, and using THAT as part of the bit. The general colloquialisms that permeate our language, (all the izzle's inclusive), are not new. Bill Hicks did Bill's material, Denis did Denis's material, but the performances were so extremely similar no one can dispute them. Parallel thought is part of the world of comedy- parallel parking on an exact phrase, exact delivery, and exact timed piece is just plain hack.

The ones who bother me are the ones who assume that no one else studies comedy the way they do. That bothers me because I am one who would go to clubs EVERY night whether I was on stage, or not, and LEARN about comedy by watching everyone I possibly could. I sat transfixed to Lenny Clarke, Richard Jeni, and Roseanne with the same aplomb. (love that word) They were up there, headlining, and getting people to pay attention to them, and I wanted to know WHY- not what they were saying that I could improve on, or plainly steal, as so many seem to do now. When I saw someone doing a Bobcat imitation on a TV show supposedly designed to find "new" comedy, I nearly lost it- it wasn't anyone behaving as a comic and being funny, it was someone PERFORMING without WRITING anything new- and it was just theivery. It's the problem Fred Travelena and Rich Little have with those who imitate THEM, when in fact, they've written bits specifically to match their impressions. Other impressionists stealing bits from Fred and Rich are just telling the audience, "screw you, you don't know any better." That's just the wrong song to be playing in the Intel Age.

The online video sites are there for anyone to learn about what stand up is, and what it isn't. It's there for people to see "Oh yeah, Jeneane Garafalo had a good few years before she was on TV doing stand-up", "Patton Oswalt wasn't always killing when he first started.", "Oh yeah, look at Bernie Mac doing TV for the first time, wow, he was so much like Redd Foxx in his timing." It's for people to understand character motions, like those done by Buster Keaton, Mark Blankfield, and Jim Carrey. It's there for anyone to watch good comedians when they were not-so-good, and see them grow. It's there for people to see Ritch Shydner, and Mitch Hedberg and not just wonder who they were on the stage. It's there for the wisdom gained by Piper and Tupper, and Bobby Slayton, and Margaret Cho. Some continued on to be huge names, others great headliners and others, just footnotes in the comedy history books- but they're not up there so people can STOP writing.

Writing is what comedy is about. In Vegas, we have some terrific writers- Don Barnhart, Brandon Muller, Tanyalee Davis, Kathleen Dunbar for example. All are at different stages of their careers. We have terrific shows- the Short Bus Comics inclusive- where those who are more like Tim and Eric or even Terry Fator- can be alongside those who are college headliners, and longtime veteran champions of comedy everywhere. But people are writing constantly. It's what makes the stages come alive here. Diaz Mackie to Jeremy Flores, you'll find gems if you look.

So no, there isn't a reason to assume your audience isn't aware of comedy and the history of stand-up. (And before you start to mumble it, yes the Ass of U and Me line..done to death, thanks.) Assume that someone in your audience is also aware of Jim Norton and Jen Kober. Assume that someone in your audience has seen Carlin or Cosby, maybe even the same nights, and have played their albums for as long as they could. Assume that someone in your audience gets that Ernie Kovacs and Norm Crosby knew what they were doing. Assume this because if you don't, you are going to be disappointed when it comes time to talk to that person who DOES know these people and GETS that you are 'borrowing' material.

Everyone has their own views of something . I will write about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a different way, based on my own experiences and language than Grace Fraga. I will write my way, she will write her way. I will present my way. She will present her way. But I will WRITE and she will WRITE. When you're up there and talking about George and Gracie's version of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, it will be obvious to others that you're just "playing comedian" and not actually being one. If you want to do the acting thing, that's great, but you don't get a pass to not write your own stuff. Check out Michael Keaton's stand-up and see if you can't find Johnny Dangerously in it. Learn the craft. Learn to write.

And then be the comedian you want to be- don't pretend you are someone else. You WILL be discovered, as a hack if you do. You WILL be discovered as talent if you WRITE.

2009 Las Vegas Comedy News....

2009-01-09T15:06:00.000-08:00

For all who are contacting me regarding jobs in Las Vegas- if you live here now, please PM me as there is a new club opening up at the Palace Station. The chain, Bonkerz is working to hire local comics, not just the east coast/LA bunch, and they've invited us to the grand opening on Jan. 14th. If you are in Las Vegas, and want to be included on the guest list, please PM me with your name.

I am NOT booking this club, and I am NOT managing this club. It's just a way to support and assist the local LIVE COMEDY COMMUNITY. If you are going to the opening, the owners and booking agents WILL be there, and will take DVD's and promo materials from comics. You can also leave your promotional materials with the club during nights it's open and the right people will see you.

For the locals who were there when it was Laff Trax, LA Comedy Cabaret, et al- I don't know if the stage is different or if the club will be in a different room. The issues with the stage primarily was the height. You tower over the audience, and it's also not wheelchair accessible, but the techs are good about helping people get up there. The station casinos generally have good sound people.

Other news- Improv-Vegas has classes starting up. There's some great Second City folks involved, and starting this session, there's stand up classes. Okay- for the nay-sayers- it's not a "write a joke" class- it's a performance class. You learn to work, onstage, with a mic, with audiences, and with a little confidence. You learn about booking, road work, and getting college gigs. And you learn about speaking in public without feeling like a dork. I know, I'm teaching it.

You can sign up for classes by visitinghttp://improv-vegas.com/Classes.html
and calling the school

Onyx Theater news- The Short Bus Comics show is monthly for now but we're also hoping for another venue to add more shows. We had a near full house Friday night, and filmed some promo materials. Roman the Serial comic books the show, and you can reach him by emailing VegasComedians@yahoo.com or visiting ShortBusComics.com

The venue I'm working for- it's still not running yet... and I don't have any news. As soon as I'm aware of what we're doing , I'll post it here. The Fitgerald's room now has Kevin Burke nightly. Tanyalee Davis did a run there, and would be a great regular for the stage. I also know that there is a new Women in Comedy show starting up, with Kelly Hunt, me, and several other locals to the area. More on that as we know more.

Happy New Year, y'all- keep laughing-cheaper than gas, and better for you in the long run.

cbj

Aunt Jeanne, Final Sleep December 4, 2008

2008-12-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

She Got Me Back into Stand-up

When I got the call from my Dad, the first response I had was "wow", but in my head, I was thinking, "Wow-how are all of the women in Nana B's family going to sit in one room to talk and still get through in one single day."

For the last few months, she had been trying to desensitize us to her illness. She was talking about accepting that she wasn't going to be around, and that wasn't easy to hear. But she made sure she said something every time we talked to her to remind us- we'd have to live without her and she was really going to be okay with the idea. She was really ready for this. She was the one who understood that every day was another day closer for the end for her. And , she wanted to make sure we heard her laughing as much as possible.

The day she talked to me about her illness for the first time, she was excited about getting to buy wigs- like a movie star. She wondered if she'd get too skinny. Like a movie star. She was awe inspiring- and much smarter than any movie star. Even now I can't picture her without her big old smile, saying, 'Yeah, I know it, I know it'.

The last time we talked she was out of breath, and had just a few seconds in her. But she talked about seeing Frannie's grandbaby, and how excited she was that she was going to go to Vegas, and maybe even have a drink. Jeanne was looking forward to seeing everyone. As usual, she hid how much she was hurting, and didn't want to talk about it too much. She made a quick joke about being too skinny and that she was thinking of Burger King. But she couldn't talk very long and that was the last time we chatted.

I have several of her phone messages. She called on my birthday, on Ricky's birthday, and even on Lincoln's birthday. We talked at least once every couple of weeks, but I never felt like we talked enough. On Thanksgiving, by the time we got home from a friend's house- it was too late that day, and I put off calling her because I worried she would be out of breath. I figured- she'll be here in a week, I'll say hello in person. I can almost hear her in my mind saying, "How did that work out?" and laughing about it. The last message I had was her telling me that she decided to go visit people- and she was giggling about it. She was just thrilled that she was going to have what she called, her "Big Bang Party" and was eager to see everyone.

Her family was the reason she stayed around so long. She loved her grand-kids and was sad about being sick around them. She joked with me a lot about Ricky and their lives as kids. I won't repeat a word. But I'll smile a little more around my dad, now. That was her magic. She wanted to laugh, and she was really great at it. That's what her legacy really is- and that's why I think everyone should think of that smiling face and not the illness that took her. That's all I can see now. That's what she gave me- and it was worth a billion dollars, six countries, and a bottle of cola. Maybe a Whopper, Jr., too.

Thanks to the comedians in Comed-o-Therapy, she was able to have a night where she laughed that BIG laugh, wore that movie star hat, and even was surrounded by family. It was a lot of her in that room- and a lot of laughter that she needed. I can't thank the comedians enough. The next show will be in her memory rather than her honor. And we will carry her laughter.

Test Run at Fitz Room- ROCKED!

2009-01-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

Tanyalee Davis, personal hero, awesome gal, and all around kick-ass comedian and I had a show at the Fitzgerald Casino ("Fitz of Laughter") room run by Kevin Burke, Roland Witt, and John Bentham. Kelly Hunt, and up and coming impressionist comic, whom I met through the Short Bus Comics show, served as the opener- and she also, rocked.

We were test-running the room for a show we're putting up starting in February. Kevin Burke, aka Defending the Caveman -Vegas, has worked 7 nights a week since he's lived here, and finally had an idea- he should, could, and may be able to have a night off if he found competent comedians who could take the show over for him. His Caveman show runs at the Excalibur, recently moved from The Goldent Nugget. After his grunting walk-through the world of a couple-psyche, he trapsed over to the Fitgerald Casino, to pick up on the stage that certainly gives a great space for comedy. He's helped build an audience, and certainly, John and Roland are capable stage managers and room managers.

I've known Kevin for a lot of years. For a majority of the time, we never even met in person- it was through our comedy that we're friends. I got to meet a few dozen great funny folk through an online newsgroup, Alt.comedy.standup. Some of us were seasoned pros, others were newbies, and still others were fans who always wanted to be comedians, but were afraid to try. Some of my Space and Facebook friendships are through that very source. It's been a great way to network for jobs- Steve Marmel, the Nickelodeon Darling, was a regular in one of my rooms in Orange County, for instance. I did a regular stint in a club in Sacramento, and San Francisco through another comic. We shared war stories, Tribble Run stories, and of course... Vegas stories.

So, years later, Kevin and I are both in the same town, and we're hanging out a bit more. Friends do that. We have him over for dinner, and superbowl, and that stuff. But we haven't worked together at all. He called me and said, "I need, I think, to have a break, do you want to book the room on Sunday nights so you can bring your crazies to the stage?" My crazies are the Short Bus Comics, and friends in town- and of course, YES. I would.

Kelly Hunt and I have been planning out ideas to bring another "Women in Comedy" show to the area. It was perfect timing. Tanyalee Davis is in town, Kelly and I are prepped from the months of working Short Bus, and it would be a great run to try for the first time whilst Kevin enjoyed a show, for one of the the first times since he's been here, that was on his day off. We could do a one-night of the Women show, and if it worked out, and they liked us enough, we could start February, a new weekly show.

We got to the venue, and Roland was generous, offering us his skills as a warm-up. He did fine, and Kelly took to the floor. She's got a few bugs to work out, but they're minor, and her set was ably done- lots of laughs, and the audience got her impressions. I went up next, and the crowd- unsure as to what to make of the ADHD style seemed to really appreciate the energy, and laughed lots. Lots. Lots and lots. Too much! I went over time! I never go over time! But it was happening! They were a great group- laughing in spots I had hoped were funny, and laughing at the riffing. Loved those people. I intro'd Tanyalee for the first time since I think- the show we did at the Greek Isles. I honestly don't remember if that was it, or if it was another show. Regardless... she gave me what to say, I said it.

The crowd adored her. She'd already done a few nights in the room, and the club BUILT her a stage. Whilst Kelly and I worked around it, the audience wasn't quite sure what to make of it. We gave no hints. She took to the stage and the crowd went nuts. She did her set wonderfully- with the facial expressions only Tanyalee can do. She used the word "Midget" and one lady just about fell out of her chair. Fellow comedians Greg Stevens and his friend, Chris "CJ" Jones, (yeah, I thought it was funny too), were laughing so hard, they bounced out of their seats a few times.

Afterwards, we went to the doorway, so she could sell some DVD's, and we could hear what the crowds were saying. It was a hit. We did a great job, and the room was happy. The opener was happy. Everyone seemed delighted, so we're definitely going to have a lot of fun with the new room. I still haven't emailed Kevin yet to see how his day off went... I'm guessing great.

More to come!

good club, bad club

2008-10-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

This past week, I had the fortune of visiting Los Angeles, my former home town for many years. I was doing workshops at a corp gig as part of the Atheist Alliance International, (there will be a post on this on the GodlessGrief Myspace page, and blog). But as part of my trip, I wrote to about 30 or so clubs asking if there were spots open that I could try some material in- and got some great responses, and some not great ones. But, I took two offers up, and I write about them as a warning and as delightful surprise that could aid my co-comics out in the future.

The first, is the good, because no one seems to talk about good stuff anymore. But there's a small room in a church basement of an episcopal church. I know, you don't usually hear ME talking about going to some church, but this was different. David Corrado runs a little show Friday Nights in St. Bede's in Mar Vista, with a combination of music and comedy as the theme for the evening, and it's just terrific. I didn't really bring A- material, because, really, had no idea what the room was, and didn't really plan for anything other than working out a brand new bit...but that was perfect.

David and I first met years back when I had a room in Westminster, in a Bennigans, (commence Butters imitations now), and people like Martin Moreno, Steve Marmel, and Courtney Cronin were regulars- along with Tanyalee Davis, Roz Browne, Julie Kidd, and a few other interesting folks. The room worked because there was no pressure on anyone. It was JUST a work out room and just a place where doing new material is the right thing to do. Headliners came down, did a 15 minute set, and then went back to the Store, the Factory, or the Improv, and killed. It worked because everyone was there from start to finish to support one another, and as emcee and host, I never wanted it any other way.

David's Church Basement show was more than that because there were musicians doing the same gig. I had never been in that atmosphere- and it was kind of hip and wild, and cool, and a throwback to all things I miss about "performance art" which I was so much ensconced in during the 80's. No one was there to do their auditions, and no one was trying to be a tv star, like you'll see ruining the comedy rooms around the city- it was just people who wanted to play on stage, and have a great place to do so. David brought that into fruition, big time. He's a humble host, and a funny guy, who gets why people do comedy. If you get a chance to do his space- DO it. The crowd may be small but it's just perfect. And, I'll be back, along with Grace Fraga, and Dana Snow, to do some newer and older stuff, and to feel at home again.

Then comes the opposite of the spectrum. In every year, since 1979, the first year I was on a comedy stage, I have never once did a show where someone said to me, "you must bring at least X number of people or you won't get on stage". Ever. These are prominent in the music community and it was not unusual to see bands walking up and down Sunset, or in Venice Beach, GIVING people money to go see their shows at the Whiskey or Palomino club- the bands did that- the comics didn't. Why? Comedy clubs HAD audiences... people wanted to laugh and didn't care if it was a black guy, a white girl, or a jewish nun doing the show.

So it's now 2008, and I got a response back from one club in North Hollywood, whose name rhymes with "Blah Blah", saying, sure come on down. Wednesday night gig. Okay. Weird night of the week, but okay. And, the only other thing in the email, "do you advertise when you play?" I wrote back, of course, it's all over MySpace, Facebook, etc... and people tell me they'll be there, and usually they make it. Well, Kyle Cease was at the improv, Gabriel Iglesias was at another improv, and the new Laugh Factory Long Beach was luring people with comps that night so I didn't have high hopes that there would be a big "me" crowd- just figured ah, they're open Wednesdays, they must advertise something, too. Silly me.

I told a couple of folks where I'd be...and heard crickets. Just nothing. No warnings. This is why I write. This place is the worst place for ANY comedian to perform for MORE than just a "bringer show" atmosphere. They charge comics a $5 per SODA fee. I have no idea what the liquor costs, but it wasn't that cheap, either I'm sure. There were comics getting charged a COVER fee..uhm... no. NOT cool. And, twenty minutes AFTER the show starts, no one was even told their times on the slots for the night.

A full twenty minutes after a show starts, someone needs to know the slots, and the comics need to know they are going up. But ten minutes after THAT... some guy who was doing part of Mark Pitta's, Jason Stuarts, and even a bit of K-von's act- mostly just posing and pretending he was cute- comes up to me and tells me, "You don't have any people up here yet. Do you expect them to show up soon?"

Uhm. I drove from Las Vegas specificially because on TUESDAY when I called the club to confirm I was told, "Oh yeah, we're doing a show at 9pm. You're set for the gig." I said, "My husband just got out of surgery, do you have any slots later in the week?" The nameless voice, (by the way, the email wasn't signed by anyone either..just blah- blah cafe.... ), saying, "no, we're booked solid two weeks so you have to take this or nothing." I say, "I'll be there an hour early".

I show up... there's a security guard. I ask who I check in with- he says the bartender. The bartender says someone named Eric, (aforementioned hack), and the Eric guy never made an appearance until well after the show began..so I just slunk into the back. Now, anyone will tell you- whether you are Dennis Blair or Celeste Davis, I'm going to stay from the first comic to the last because I know comedians need audiences. I learned when I was playing the 2am slots at the Improv ANY audience is better than NO audience..and never once have left a show before it ended unless I was scheduled somewhere else.

So that said... it's 45 minutes in- no one I know is there..and that kid goes up on stage to do the gay boy dancing routine. Uhm. It's an older bit, and Jason does it better. So does half the Logo TV comics where he probably got it from. And Ian Harvie does the "I'm coming to get you" line with more believability. It was not a great set. He disappears. Never returns. Never tells me I'm going up...and never says anything about me driving JUST for this show. Unproffessional on every level.

I have texts and calls into Roz, Grace, Gulden, and Ant. Gulden tells me to pass the phone to Jack. Well Jack is apparently outside getting screamed at or flirting with someone else on the phone. Never did acknowledge me..or welcome me...or anything..and he's supposed to be the big guy. Okay. So I have a place in Long Beach I have to get to by midnight because there are babies there...

The kicker? I got my cd which is part of the newer bit..the d-jay, aka the security guard, tells me "Oh you're not going on?" He didn't have a set list of who is up... not even the people WORKING know who is going up.

So recapping- Ant, Roz, Gulden, Grace, Dana, David- supportive and wonderful. St. Bede's Friday Night show... really fun, and David is an awesome host. DO that room. Blah Blah club is only in the business of making money OFF of the comedians, and although ONE guy (someone named Hutch? who looked a lot like Cabin Boy...) was funny and had some stage experience, the club wasn't paying attention to anyone. At all. Not worth going all the way up to North Hollywood unless you're looking for an overpriced drink and free parking. Seriously. You can do that on in Vegas- the drive is cheaper- or at your grandma's local bar.

Meanwhile- The Short Bus Comics Show opened this past Friday. I'm emceeing on the 10th. I hope to see the Vegas locals and visiting folks then. Should be a HOOT. GREAT comedians, GREAT body on the nekked one. And, no more cafe gig for YOU or me. (warning warning warning) Just hit the St. Bedes if you want to test material out..you'll be happy. Very.

cbj

That's So Retah-ded

2008-09-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm having dinner the other night at a restaurant, with a pal from Boston. As is the way of our people, when we agree with one another, the phrase is "So Don't I", which means that you don't do something the same as someone else does, but in fact, implies the opposite. We also say "wicked" to mean "Very much", and we have been known to use the word "retah-ded" in the true dictionary sense, meaning, slow developing, or behind the times.

She- "I love Eddie Izzard"
Me- "So Don't I! he's wicked pissah" (pissah is en extension of wicked that means, quite excellent indeed.)
She- "My brother doesn't get him, he so retah-ded".
Me- "What a retahd."

Suddenly, a snippy barbie girl who must have been the result of a failed abortion in 1987, slams down her food and yells over to us, "That's an INSULT! You CAN'T use that word!"

Me- "I beg to differ. I can use a lot of words, that included. I have mastered the English language many years ago."

Snippy- "That's JUST rude!" (This coming from the eavesdropping child who yells across the restaurant.) "The word is MENTALLY CHALLENGED!"

Me- "Like you? Because, you do know you just gave two words, not one. Wasted a lot of time using adverbs and adjectives to state Re-TAHD." Of course, it was apparent, this kid was wicked mentally challenged.

Then I realized my pal was laughing hysterically- looking at the kid's shirt which had on it "Niggah Please". That was priceless, so we both started laughing.

She- "Do you know your shirt is more insulting? You're a blond haired white person and you're wearing a racial epithet."

Snippy- "I don't have no gravestones on my shirt!'

Me- "Why don't you get back to eating your happy meal, princess, and leave the thinking to people who discern words from places other than text messages and rap songs."

Snippy- "Are you saying, I ain't smart."

She- "No one has to. You obviously are a brain trust."

Me- "You just seem a little retah-ded."

Then Snippy took her Star-Wars™ toy off the table and hopped away into the kiddy-habitrail and ball-bouncy room. Meanwhile, my pal, who has Cerebral Palsy, just looked at me. Took a beat, and practically made me pee my pants when she responded.

She- "So don't I"

You can't beat days like this.

Whole New Me

2008-08-13T20:39:00.001-07:00

It's been a rough five years. I mean five full years of happy marriage, and all of that. It's still going on. That part is working great.

It's also been a lot of surgeries, and hopefully no more for at least another five years. I don't know if that's going to be the case for long, but for now, no surgeries. Just think, only five years ago, Robert Downey Jr. was a white guy. How the world does spin.

You may be able to see in this picture, I have a nasty new issue. The problem is, this picture is over ten years old. The other problem is, no doctors picked up on it during that entire time. In 1990, I had a tonsillectomy, and the doctor also pulled a nice fist sized tumor from my pharynx. And no, that's not the part of your ass where poop escapes. Although, those who have seen my act wondered.....

I ended up on some iodine treatments, and some other things to ensure that the throat muscles wouldn't atrophy. If anyone ever offers you that, make sure they know if you're allergic to things like... iodine. I'm not but I've heard stories. I was also given prednisone for the first time. That is a steroid, and if given properly and monitored, should cause no issues except a bit of bloat and maybe a little bit of a moon face. It worked for Zappa, so I accepted.

Flash forward to 2001. I was off of all medications. I mean ALL of them. I used to drink "sleepytime" tea to fall asleep because the boy toy at the time was a horrendous snorer, and I wasn't able to attempt to sleep if he fell first. The tea helped. Sometimes I had Melatonin. It's not hippy, it's real, and it works. There were years, and I mean from when I was 12 to 29, when I was on anti-depressants. Some were great, some were vile. And, tegretal, a drug used for epilepsy was amongst them. I didn't like any of them and weaned off of them slowly...until I got married for the second time to a guy who had absolutely no interest in being married to me. After a few months of him, I was back on the meds. (Yeah, I worked three jobs to support us. I still don't know if he ever got a job.)

The meds did something weird. I gained weight. I mean not just a few pounds like the warning state, but a full two stone. (About 23 lbs for us Yanks.) The marriage was over, I was bicycling every day, and I still didn't lose any more than 15 of that. But, I was human sized. Not for me, but for the rest of the world. That's when I weaned off of the meds again...and voila, was back to normal tiny W.O.P. from Bean town doing stuff on stage, and feeling fine. Things worked out okay.

Then I started getting dislocations. I was put back on steroids. I hated them. Why? Okay so my shoulder stayed in place and the swelling went down- but I gained again. It made me depressed. I got put on antidepressants. Starting to see a pattern? The doctors didn't. I had a sinus infection right before I was getting surgery for a deviated septum- which I guess means nose job in Hollywood-speak. I gained another 40 lbs. Seriously. In less than two months. People thought I was pregnant since I was newly married. Not a chance... kids are something I am allergic to, thanks.

Flash forward to 2006. I went to an endocrinologist to find out why I was reacting this way. Why was it that a medical journal said, "may gain a small amount of weight" meant, "may change name to Orca" with me. He said, "Stop eating so much". I became afraid of food. I hardly ate as it was- one meal a day, and a snack or a small breakfast. That was it. What could I cut out? I knew. The doctor.

I dropped about 38 lbs, and started to feel human again. Next thing I know..I'm gaining 3-5 lbs a week. Again, "oh are you going to be a mommy?" No, I'm just a mother, thanks. I'm at the gym three to four days a week, and sweating like Meatloaf in a New Jersey stadium show. Back to the picture. You may notice this is a shot of my neck. It's a big neck. I swam for high school, and oh yeah, rode horses. I have a big neck and shoulders. But, it's bigger than that now.

What the smarty pants doctor didn't realize was- I was growing a big old Thyroid. The blood tests didn't agree with my symptoms at that time, so he became a smart ass, and I became sicker. All this time, had he JUST paid attention to my history, or even looked at my fingernails, the way the weight was presenting itself, some female issues, or oh yeah, the STEROIDS and antidepressants I was on- well he may have figured I had the onset of Hashimoto's Thyroidosis. In other words, my body was fighting me against me. Yeah. Just like a video game.

Two years later, my blood tests are going kablooey. I have a rather large lumpy throat. I fortunately do not have to have surgery, but there is a chance that the nodes growing may have to cut out. (Go look that up on Austin medical and tell me it isn't the ickiest operation you've ever seen.) I'm now on synthroid.

SO what does that all have to do with comedy? I start a new show this year. It's called Short Bus Comics, and it turns out- I need one. Again. Pretty cool. More later.

cbj

People Don't Get It

2008-06-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

They just haven't the ability to discern good jazz from bad jazz. I've discovered that the most popular music form in this household is unappreciated, and certainly under-appreciated, but most people who consider themselves Jazz Fans.

Both my husband and I are musicians. I listen to music that's more Bartok and Neil Young- and yes that combination is very workable. He is more apt to listen to Bill Evans and Oscar Peterson, both for influences and for sheer discovery of the proverbial soul of this music format. Just as some people can tolerate Kate Bush yet disdain Tori Amos, I am likely to put forth a Patti Smith tune the same day I write a four part choir piece. The hubby is far more inclined to push Caravan to places that are virtually impossible for any other human to master. It's who we are as musicians, and where we are in our skill, and comprehension.

Golf. I say the phrase, "He's Tiger Woods" whenever I'm asked how the most skilled player of the game manages to astound the masses. My husband understands the nuances of the game, can sit for hours discussing the traps, the eagles, and of course, the lack of beer involved. I am better suited to the stands in Fenway, screaming the disdain to the OTHER team, and drooling as Varitek and Ramirez round bases. That is the sport that seems sportsmanlike to me- Men sweat, teams bond, and the crowd is as in tune with the hot dog vendor as they are with the outfielder. It's the same with Jazz.

My husband has an ability to concentrate. I am what is kindly referred to as distracted, at best, and diagnosed improperly as Attention Deplete. Frankly, I enjoy things that have black and what outcomes, but spend most of my day drifting from writing, to music, to singing, to emails, to becoming entranced by the latest exploits of one, Anthony Bourdain. My goal in life is to not miss out on anything, and that leads me to many different venues, many different creative ventures, and far more greetings and meetings with the public.

The sidekick carrying the male version of our wedding ring can decide to do something and nothing in any way, shape, form, or design can move him from that notion. If he says, "I am going to lose some weight", he is deployed on a seven month mission to become the thinnest him there could be. For any artist he cares to hear, he doesn't become a fan, he becomes a historian. You can ask him any question regarding movies, and he can certainly out trivia any game show. His passion for the cinema is only second to his passion for chocolate- for which he can name sixteen varieties, the locations of the best shops in several continents, and will tell you the nuances from African beans to south American ones. When he states knowledge of jazz, he does so with authority, experience, and minute detail.

My taste in music is multicultural, multi-class, and very rarely excludes any tone of any sort. I've listened to shinai with the same aplomb as a Ringo Starr solo. The one tone that bothers me, surprisingly so, as I've studied the instrument as a child, is that of Violin. The shrill of the wires doesn't sit in my ear, or nestle in my head- instead it takes my ear drum and sizzles it like bacon, wearing it away like the ocean eats sandcastles. And yet, I am also a jazz fanatic.

My knowledge of the music was limited at best when I met Ravi Coltrane- who eerily appears as a clone of his late, great, father. He practiced his soprano sax in my living room at Calarts, and I had the balls to ask him "What kind of clarinet is that?" As I am a comedian, it fortunately fell like a joke in a great club. But, from that point on, my mission was to understand, learn, and devour jazz as some would decide to become parents. After several months, I understood that Dave Koz, and Kenny G are certainly not comparable to Stan Getz, nor Kurt Elling. In fact, I was so enthralled by the singers of this breed that I quickly bought any and all I could find- except Diana Krall or Billie Holliday, both of whom I have grown a bit weary.

It's been twenty years since I snapped on a 1- 3 measure. It's been just as long since I've listened to anything remotely titled "smooth jazz". And, thus comes the topic of this very blog. This is the music that the hoi poloi aren't able to comprehend. This is why a majority of jazz radio is sorely mistaken, and several of the programmers and disc jockeys should be sent to Gitmo. Annie Ross, Eva Cassidy, Rosemary Clooney, Etta- both Jones and James, Julie London, Mildred Bailey, and my favorite, Rachel Gould are in heavy rotation in the iPod and car, as I try to live every note Peggy Lee or Bessie Smith ever uttered. Julie London and Clooney share my range, but Annie Ross has my favorite playful way of making notes sound easy. The youngest member of my collection is carried by Renee Olstead, whose appearances on a comedy sitcom seem to belittle her enormous skill and talent as a jazz songstress.

Billie Holliday changed people's perception of jazz. She responded to notes by giving each personality. In this, she is worthy of history. She does however, grate on me, as a songwriter, for not actually hearing the notes she is supposed to sing, as she changes the reason for a song. Diana Krall once dated my husband, back in the days she was a Berklee student. She makes jazz very approachable, and is highly commended for her ability to take a tune, and make it available to the general population- especially those which were lost to history. However, she hasn't got the vocal range to carry off some of the better lost songs, so she kind of misses the mark with me. I think if she pulled out some Ada Jones, I'd be more impressed. But, I have heard a few dozen Diana Kralls-a-likes, and they really aren't changing the medium. Even Dana Owens, aka Queen Latifah, recalls Lush Life with the charisma and charm that demands attention. I'd take ten Dana Owens albums to one Krall, any day.

Rachel Gould isn't a household name, and doesn't get much rotation on any jazz radio. That's abominable. She has a voice that seems to tell the world, "This song was written JUST for me, and you will never hear it again without thinking of me." She seems to say this, but doesn't. She should. She's right. Eva Cassidy, who died far too young, as if there IS a right age to die, brings a bluesy feel to all her work, and has become what Janis Joplin aspired to be. When Eva carries a tune, you feel as if you want to be in her house, having coffee, with a cat on your lap, and doing nothing other than hearing that voice.

Don't forget, I like some pop musicians. I think Joss Stone, despite the vocalese, has mastered her voice that brings timelessness to songs. Alicia Keys, one of my favorite songwriters, pulls a punch as quickly as she seduces. Amy Winehouse, drugs be damned, works her shimmy out of nothingness. But, jazz radio has determined these artists are under the same umbrella as Duke Ellington, Miles Davis, and aforementioned, Coltrane. That's like saying my husband and I play the same music.

He has jazz critics come to the shows, leave jaw dropped, and writing reviews which would put tears in anyone's eyes for the joy of it. I have a habit of making people believe there are seven members to my band, that I am seeped in Earth Wind and Fire, and oh yeah, should be on a Motown label. Culturally, he's from Buffalo, and that's one step closer to Oscar Peterson-ville. I'm from Boston, and it seems I've learned much of my craft from the days spent with a guitar in a subway station. Yet, we're both considered jazz musicians.

The one thing that does frustrate him is my ability to write a song in as long as it takes him to think up a melody. I usually have all parts, done. All of what I write, I've written a million times for every artist I ever admired. He writes for himself, and it's always as if he spent years on something that takes him a few hours. He's Tiger Woods, and I'm the other guys. His sounds is timeless in ways that leave people heart-pounding and lost for words. My music is more pedestrian, and people often wonder what 1970's band I was in. I write music I wish I could get my favorite singers to sing- and he writes what only he can play.

And that is the power of jazz. It removes all pretense and turns to the heart for its purpose. It isn't some pretty little tone you hear whilst dining in an upscale restaurant, which spins around giving you a better view of the city. It isn't the comprehensive tonic to the fifth to the tonic that leaves the listener satisfied. It can be gritty, or interpreted. It can be followed the way a teen ager follows a cast member of a popular movie. It's the music which decides where we have left our broken heart, our secrets and our long lost relatives. It's Tiger Woods.

Thoreau-ly Convinced

2008-06-05T14:25:00.001-07:00

I ran across a quote I hadn't read in some time- "The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer." I have to agree with this statement, which stands as true today as it did in the 1860's, when written by the author Henry David Thoreau, (pronounced "thorough" for those who are unacquainted with the New England manner of correctly speaking French names).

Mr. T wasn't exactly the world's sweetest guy. There are great tales from Emerson, (Ralph Waldo, not "Lake and Palmer"), who called Henry just about every nasty name he could muster and some he hadn't even thought existed. Melville, Stevenson, and Hawthorne each thought of him as a well-spoken, albeit oft spoken curmudgeon whose love for his fellow man was greatly overshadowed for his love of solitude. My guess is that had he lived in this day, he would certainly never have a cell phone, would disdain the idea of "myspace" and "facebook", and probably would blog incessantly between his strolls through gardens and deserts, if not Manhattan proper.

I'm convinced I'm much like HDT in myriad ways. He never did speak a word without first thinking of its purpose. For him, the spoken thoughts were reflections of the mind, and using words carefully meant being responsible for their outcome. In this point we're united. I'm generally and willfully disgusted by those whose idle banter and chatter seem to carry on long after a point was placed squarely. It is unlikely you'll find me in small talk on a telephone, for any reason. If I don't have the punchline I won't ramble on searching until it appears on the verbal horizon. Succinct or nothing is my preference. Perhaps this is why some people think I'm not involved in a conversation, when the fact is, I'm more involved in listening.

When I was a teenaged girl, searching for meaning and purpose as one does at that age, I was introduced by a burly teacher to the intricacies of the words in Walden. I visited the Lyceum fairly often in Concord, Massachusetts, which sits in the spot near Henry's original wooden box of a home. The building stood barely giving the appearance of a residence, more resembling a large shed. I marveled at the simplicity of his life, and took many walks around the pond which shared the name of his greatest known essay. I pictured him grunting at the sales clerk in town as he got his weekly supplies, as his idea of greetings consisted of a nod, if any acknowledgment at all. He didn't speak with those whom he did not have reason to speak.

And yet, he was certainly full of thoughts, conversations, and deep insights. His essays carry readers into the concept of the Enlightenment Age, his salon chats with his peers, and the intimacy of the life of a hermit. The quotes he is well known for sit in a Wiki entry, http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Henry_David_Thoreau but the greatest quotes are those that the readers discover when they find themselves mirrored in his thoughts. Ever timeless, he transcends far more than the written word, tapping into the human experience in nearly every paragraph.

I end this note with the concept of self-reliance. As he wrote a number of times, the efforts of man support mankind when man himself is solely responsible for his actions, words, deeds, and intent. He cannot demand others to supply him with worth, as it is his own to hold. Esteem, held humble, yet firm, is a stronger weapon against a venomous self-denial and negative introspection. As he walked alone, he didn't dwell on the life he left unlived, or the dreams he left unfulfilled; instead he carried the notion that his life was worth every moment, and worth every minute he spent spying the smallest of insects, or grandest of trees. The words of others, who certainly were not as keenly aware of their surroundings, didn't penetrate his shield of self worth, and self reliance. As townsfolk often bantered back about the strange man who lived in the shack- they still wondered how his great mind worked to create such wonderment. It was the idea that their thoughts weren't as important as the ones he held, and his own belief system which he lived truly to the last which caused him to be a greater man. He stood on solid mind as well as solid ground.

The lessons of the past must be apparent in the present for them to have any importance at all. Thoreau was a rabbi in the truest sense in that he taught millions to believe as he did, that the world is better when appreciated, and people are greater when understood. The quote at the beginning of this passage is certainly a statement to the idea that everyone and everything has a reason to be noted, and heard. Those who ask questions to give their own answers are missing the reason to care for a fellow man. If he wants to hear his own thunder, he should stay alone. If he wants to hear others, then listen intentionally. It will create a better respect. And, the one heard will be forever grateful for the chance.

The Portable Thoreau (Penguin Classics)
by Henry David Thoreau

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