Wow, an Annual post? Seriously..back again..

I had a great day. Got up. Drove to the doctors, had a mammogram. That was fine. I went to the donut store, and came home for a nap.

Okay. It wasn't that great. I got up. But I when I stepped out of bed there was cat vomit in my slippers. Cleaned that up. Got into the car after getting ready, and went to the doctors. The doc's called me in for a mammogram. Left and had donuts and came home for a nap.

Okay, it wasn't that great. After having a night sleep, after yet another night of having the dog fart as he slept on my legs. I got to roll out of bed, and fall directly face first into a pile of cat vomit, that had something like a dead animal and maybe another piece of feces in there. I tried cleaning it all off, and after it was wiped down, I put my slippers on, and found that there was already a dried crusted chunk of bile that I must have missed now weaving in and out of my toes. It was too late to shower, so I put on a tshirt, and pants, a pair of shoes and got to the car, drove to the doc's, had a mammogram and drove home, stopping on the way for donuts.

Maybe it wasn't really as great as that either. What happened was, I dealt with an hour of peeling cat slime off my body, then I got into the car and found out I was out of gas. On the freeway. In my wheelchair. Three cops passed and finally a guy in a kid molesting clown costume pulled over and filled my tires with "balloon gas". I made it to the docs and got a mammogram, donuts on the way home, and took a nap.

Well, no it really wasn't that rosy either. There's really a bunch more, but I'll keep it clean and save it for stage.

Want a donut, officer?

That's So Retah-ded

So I'm having dinner the other night at a restaurant, with a pal from Boston. As is the way of our people, when we agree with one another, the phrase is "So Don't I", which means that you don't do something the same as someone else does, but in fact, implies the opposite. We also say "wicked" to mean "Very much", and we have been known to use the word "retah-ded" in the true dictionary sense, meaning, slow developing, or behind the times.

She- "I love Eddie Izzard"
Me- "So Don't I! he's wicked pissah" (pissah is en extension of wicked that means, quite excellent indeed.)
She- "My brother doesn't get him, he so retah-ded".
Me- "What a retahd."

Suddenly, a snippy barbie girl who must have been the result of a failed abortion in 1987, slams down her food and yells over to us, "That's an INSULT! You CAN'T use that word!"

Me- "I beg to differ. I can use a lot of words, that included. I have mastered the English language many years ago."

Snippy- "That's JUST rude!" (This coming from the eavesdropping child who yells across the restaurant.) "The word is MENTALLY CHALLENGED!"

Me- "Like you? Because, you do know you just gave two words, not one. Wasted a lot of time using adverbs and adjectives to state Re-TAHD." Of course, it was apparent, this kid was wicked mentally challenged.

Then I realized my pal was laughing hysterically- looking at the kid's shirt which had on it "Niggah Please". That was priceless, so we both started laughing.

She- "Do you know your shirt is more insulting? You're a blond haired white person and you're wearing a racial epithet."

Snippy- "I don't have no gravestones on my shirt!'

Me- "Why don't you get back to eating your happy meal, princess, and leave the thinking to people who discern words from places other than text messages and rap songs."

Snippy- "Are you saying, I ain't smart."

She- "No one has to. You obviously are a brain trust."

Me- "You just seem a little retah-ded."

Then Snippy took her Star-Wars™ toy off the table and hopped away into the kiddy-habitrail and ball-bouncy room. Meanwhile, my pal, who has Cerebral Palsy, just looked at me. Took a beat, and practically made me pee my pants when she responded.

She- "So don't I"

You can't beat days like this.