Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Writer's Block? PHOOOEY!

I'm one of those people that looks at everything and thinks, "what's funny in this?", which is great in traffic jams and annoying during the honeymoon. But it's true. I was at a grocery store today. It should have taken all of 20 minutes to get the four items I needed, (the four food groups for married women- chocolate, maxi pads, alli, and kitty litter). (single women have chocolate, beer, maxipads and kitty litter- they never eat.)

As I type, I'm looking at my new, slick Windows alphabeta, and know that in a week I'll hate it. But I'm staring at it using the fine eye glasses I purchased at aisle 4, for $7.99, replacing the pair from the 99c Store, that was .25 less strength. I had to buy glasses for the fifth time this year. I had an eye exam and the doctor said, "your eyes have some constricted veins, but mostly, look terrific". I went from having 20-16 vision, (better than a bird), to 30-70. Not really bad enough to pay $350 for fancy-shmancy eye goggles, (nose goggles seem odd, huh?), but great for the 99c Store models. The grocery store carries eye glasses. That amused me for about ten minutes. I decided to see what other "What doesn't belong here" items I could discover.

The store is called Gelzers or some such. I think it's a mock of the word Geezers, because mostly old hippies shop here. There is a tye-dye aisle, and four rows of "youth serums". The first thing you see as you enter is a produce section, featuring the fine Vegas treat- Melons. Every one in Vegas talks about melons. Next to these were gourds. Gourds and Melons. How can this be any more Vegas? Right next to these were the "Phillipino foods". So they were telling all who enter, "We cater to those who go to karaoke and deal cards at casinos". I dig that. Dragonfruit, kiwi and lime. What drinks could be made from these? I'll tell you- they had the liquor section directly next to the fruit. What does that say about Vegas? ALL you need is in those areas, apparently. I don't even drink, but I had to check it out.

The alcohol started with wines of multiple varieties. Cue, "What doesn't belong here" music. There were garlic wines, coffee wines, pear wines, (pair wines?), and True Blood, which is a Comic-con staple. I'm looking at Ice Wine, and realize, my nose is bleeding. But this is the hippy store- so like this guy like came out and said, like "groovy" and handed me his tye-dye hankerchief. "Hand Your Chief" as he said. Then this gypsy-esque Stevie Nicks woman said, "Wow, that's a vision you're having". I said, "It's the coffee- not any caffeine in tofu-ee." Yes, the coffee shop had tofu coffee. What-the-F?

The section next to the drunk tank is the cheese spread. (get it, spread? get it? ahem.) I love goat cheese. Not Feta, not Brie- real squishy, gushy, white sloppy goat cheese, and they had all the varieties I could ever imagine, including Coffee, and Garlic. And of course, this Boston born and bred comedian had to check out the crabs and sea food section. It had a section of Kermit legs, a bit of Sea Bass, and a lot of crab-in-a-bag. I guess hippies dig these things, too. The deli was all Boar's Head. It as RenFaire fare right in front of me. And, right in the middle of the meat piles were two ROUND melons. Yep, Wubbies in the Deli Aisle. (For those who need to use wikipedia to find out what a Wubby means- I feel for you.)

Most grocer's carry a sizable number of cereals. There were almost no varieties here. But, if you are into shredded wheat? You found paydirt. That's what it tastes like. This must be a hippy thing. But they had Australian, British, German, American, and even Canadian shredded wheat. It was sort of weird seeing the Indian one- with a cow on the box. That's not how I worship my idols, but I guess Wheaties is our version of that art. I'm all over the Cream of Wheat. All over it like some people like fudge sauce on ice cream. I could eat it at every meal. That or raviolis. They carry an abundance of both.

Then came the "What is THAT here for?" moment again. Do you know how many razors there are for just armpits? JUST armpits? I didn't realize it either. Then there were the foot scraping tools. I guess there was a guy who saw his cheese grater on the kitchen table, started rubbing his foot with it, and then patented it to make a gazillion dollars. This gem was in no less than 3/4 of the entire cosmetics aisle. There were sixteen different models of it. Of course I bought one. It's now part of the over 45 food groups. I'm over 45. Yikes. Shh. don't tell anyone.

It doesn't matter how healthy a hippy store is supposed to be. There is always an ice cream aisle. Not just a hoodsie/napolitano one, but a huge pile of stuff that fell off the Mr. Whippee Truck. There were Tofu-creams, (ick), Tandoori Creams, (come on?), and stuff that doesn't appear to be edible, and yet somehow sells like crazy in a box. I couldn't even try to make this up, but there was one item shaped like an animal organ, and it had a kid's face on it. Yeah, not even remotely edible. On the outside. I'm sure it sold like hotcakes flavored ice cream.

I arrived at the check out line with my boxes of fruit, piles of melons, and waddles of wheats. How could any one ever run out of material, really? All it took was my 20-minute turned 97 minute tour of hippy-ville to get another 10 minute set together. It's always where you live. It's around you. It's part of you. It's the stupid things that life is made up of- and unless you are avoiding it- you got lots to talk about.

Hmm, pig ear cream! Love that store!