Wednesday, September 26, 2012

If I don't like them, they get put to sleep?

In the future, you'll read more of the show I'm working on called "I'm Just as Screwed Up as You (are)". It's been a book project for nearly twenty years, but I'm finally putting it to good use- Vimeo. Add yourself to the Screwed Up channel, and you can be part of the glory that is reality of screwed up lives, we as a human race, all have. 

Short story, expanded for the day- I bought a new car. I mean new to me, and 2012 so it had to be moved off the lot by October 1, so that all the fancier, even newer cars could find their home there. There was a flyer, well, lots of them really, and one happened to catch my eye because my 2008 Yaris, of only 16,000 miles listed as a $8350 trade in. Since I owed only 6k on the vehicle, (or Cahh, as you would expect me to say) I did the list thing- what is good and what is bad. What is worth paying another few thousand, and what could I get if I traded it in. Yaris? Nice car, very great mileage, but really, I don't drive it enough . No longer am I hitting roads for weeks on end, and no longer do I drive from Los Angeles to Orange County to San Francisco just to earn gas money and hotel cash. (It was gimpy friendly, my wheelchairs fit in easily, but what a chore to un-hoveround my trunk!)Fiat came a-calling and I came a-buying.

Back to the title, I told you this was a long story. I have many critters. By many, I don't mean three dogs, a cat and a squirrel, I mean 10 rats, 7 (+ pregnancy) chinchillas, four cats, a crab- yes a fresh water crab-, a Tetra, and, Monty, our very special Chihuahua, gifted to us by another comedian, Balloon Master, (rated R, see him asap). That, added to my husband, who wasn't broken in by any prior marriage, and you can picture our zoo. But the menagerie also includes my garden because I built expressly for hummingbirds. I love the little helicopters, zooming and zipping- which make our cats even more spaz-tastic than they enjoy being by chasing invisible things around the house. This is relating to the car, I swear.

The deal on the car was amazing. I fell in love with the odd, sparkly orange because it reminds me of the leaves that I used to watch change in New England. The mileage out does the Yaris by nearly 8 miles a gallon. It is also very gimpy friendly- my wheelchair fits easily in the hatch, without lifting as high as the Toyota made me haul. I also learned to drive an automatic with the Yaris, so I nearly flipped when I bought a car that has both auto and manual transmission options. I miss zooming, but my hands just aren't what they used to be, so having an option- nice change.

Back to the title.... as I said, long story. As part of the purchase deal, my husband, who has brilliantly managed to bring his credit up, his interest rates down, and little freebies when purchasing did just that for me, too. He got me a nice tinting, and super service, a better interest rate, and even a sunshade just for being him. So cool. Now we're a bit closer. I went back to the dealership this morning to get the car tinted, and to allow Monty to play with the staff at the dealership who loved him, and remembered him far better than me or any other customer.

It never fails that when a dog is around, someone will inevitably come up to me and ask if they can pet him because of their recent loss. It also happens that I get asked if my "kids" like the dog and how they act around him. I don't have kids, I have aforementioned pets and  husband. I imagine other people enjoy having kids, but I enjoy my zoo just as much. And, to the title, here it comes-Aside from the husband, if I don't like them I can put them to sleep. I never would do such a thing, but it's a stock comedy line I used on stage. Today I talked about this with a woman who recently lost her poodle, and who had Monty on her lap, adoring her to no end. She also bought a lively Fiat, in cheery colors, and waited for her detailing to be finished.

She said, "Why can't we put our people to sleep if they piss us off?" I reminded her that there would be no people on the planet past 140k b.c. or whenever we were supposed to be in our caves. And, it's true that we're more humane to animals- by stopping their suffering by euthanasia, but we can't do this for humans. In a way, we lose our humanity for this. I never had an animal put to sleep for bad behavior, but there certainly have been times when I felt so deeply wounded by someone I wondered if a rogue bus would look great on their windshields. Okay, maybe not that wounded, for more than a few minutes, but still.

My pets are my kids, and I have no regrets for this. I didn't have to breast feed them, that I regret, but not much else. When I have a rat with me onstage, or Monty, who has been the stage rat for months- wait nearly 3 years now- I think, I couldn't have done this with kids. And, if kids screwed up my timing, I wouldn't be able to put them to sleep. (YES PETA-rbed people, that is a joke.)

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